TALK ME DOWN, O wise Flist
Apr. 21st, 2010 12:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stoney321
I don't know if y'all are aware of this, but I have a medical condition known as "flying into a Royal Snit when provoked." I usually medicate myself with copious amounts of minty-rum beverages, per doctor's orders. (Dr. Spaceman.) Current provocation: my son's history teacher who so visibly hates my child, it's a wonder she hasn't woken up tasting my arm pit, due to me jamming my fist down her throat.Here's the current sitch: she emails me her agenda every week. Twice. Which, that's fine. I guess. Once is sufficient, but hey, I'm just a stay at home mom, right? Anyhoodle, Buttface Giant (as I call her) makes my son call me every time he a) fails to complete an assignment, b) fails to bring in the red folder that assignments are to be carried in, c) bothers her in some fashion. And he's called me twice in a row before because she didn't believe he was speaking to me on the phone. (She is not an old biddy, either, but in her early 30s.)
Friday they were assigned to memorize a "history rap" that she concocted. Every day they are to write down from memory a few stanzas. My son doesn't learn from rote, at all. "Why, just sing it, Stoney!" you might be saying. And then I would counter with, "I've told him to, because the child is FOURTEEN YEARS OLD, AND I'VE ALREADY GONE TO SCHOOL.'" There's only so much behind-powdering a parent can (and should) do.
Today I get an email wanting to know if I even got her email about the project (and my husband REPLIED TO HER from said email, so....) and to inform me that my son is failing at yet another aspect of her class. Here's my email, saved in draft, and this is where you come in. To be noted: he is not failing, he has a high C. The child has never missed a question on his standardized tests. Ever. The boy is not stupid, in other words. He just has learning differences (OH. AND GUESS WHO HAS NEVER COME TO AN ARD MEETING?)
[ETA] The full email is under the cut (I added to it) and I hit send. And CC'd the Principal and my son's special ed Team Leader.
[weirdname] = hiding the real names used.
[Harpy Monster Poo Poo Breath]:
Seeing as [Mr. Stoney]replied to the weekly email you sent informing you of [My Son's] inability to find the homework information on your web portal, you'll note that we did receive your update. I usually get two copies of your agenda every week.
[The Boy] spent a good portion of his time after school yesterday attempting to learn by rote, which simply isn't a way that he's ever been able to learn things - his brain just doesn't process data that way. There's a disconnect between his normal strengths in learning and the processes employed in your classroom that is causing this failure to produce high grades in History. I can only do so much as far as insuring that he's working on the class materials - I cannot climb inside his brain and rewire it, as much as I'd like. It certainly would make life better for all concerned.
I know that he's been an incredibly frustrating student for you, but all I can do is to continue to show him the emails that I get every week and to make sure that he is spending time on all of his classes. Believe me, it's frustrating for me to be constantly reminded of his failures in your classroom. The boy is also 14, and has to learn consequences for his performance, be it good or bad.
Not all children learn in one way. Every adult doesn't excel at every task put before them, ergo every child won't, either. He will continue to do the best he can in your classroom, I can't offer you anything other than that and to point you to his ARD files, detailing strategies that help in the classroom. I do know that [The Boy] is incredibly intimidated by you, and feels intrinsically that he will not be successful in your classroom. Children with autism succeed when they are shown what they've done well, however; they tend to be told more often than not all of the things they've done wrong. That creates an atmosphere of defeatism. Why try when it doesn't matter, in other words.
I know that you have your methods that you stick with in your class, as is your right. But it seems that [The Boy] is just not thriving in that curriculum. It should also be noted that - while he is not receiving the best of grades, which I would prefer - he also isn't bringing in a D. Obviously I want my child to succeed, but the constant barrage of negative commentary on his performance might need to be changed on the dial.
Signed, [My actual name]
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no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 05:38 pm (UTC)"it's a wonder she hasn't woken up tasting my arm pit, due to me jamming my fist down her throat."
LOVE!
secondly...
I'm the wrong chick to be asking because frankly, I would have hit send as I was callng the principal/superintendent/school board/God.
What a douche nozzle she is.
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Date: 2010-04-21 05:41 pm (UTC)I'm leaning towards hitting send. Imma go outside and sniff a flower for a second and see if that helps.
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Date: 2010-04-21 05:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 05:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2010-04-21 05:41 pm (UTC)Send. Send. Send.
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Date: 2010-04-21 05:43 pm (UTC)...and probably hit send. After CC'ing the Principal, his team leader, my husband...
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Date: 2010-04-21 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 05:44 pm (UTC)And seriously, what you said! Rote is OLD SCHOOL and doesn't work for everyone, good lord!
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Date: 2010-04-21 05:45 pm (UTC)Also *hugs for you*
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Date: 2010-04-21 05:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2010-04-21 05:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 05:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 05:49 pm (UTC)You're so polite and measured, there.
That's me when I've edited out all the offensive stuff.
Julia, possibly having zero social skills, ever.
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Date: 2010-04-21 06:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2010-04-21 06:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 06:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2010-04-21 06:02 pm (UTC)Every kid has one teacher who hates him for no good reason, Aaron's was HS bio. The guy used to constantly send home nasty e-mails. The guy told Aaron that he was fail him if he missed 2 homework assignments (Aaron was pulling a high B I believe).
Time passed, he sent home an insanely gleeful note saying how Aaron was going to fail because he missed 2 HW assignments. We made sure that Aaron had kept every assignment and he walked in the next day, demonstrating the two graded assignments. The creep did not apologize.
We went to school and told them that under no circumstances were they to put Zachary in this teacher's class, when it was time for him to take bio.
Make sure your son knows that this has nothing to do with him, how smart his is or anything else. Some teachers feel the need to single out a student every year as the scapegoat de jour. It gives them a sense of power.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 06:05 pm (UTC)The teacher is an ass and the administration needs to know this.
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Date: 2010-04-21 06:06 pm (UTC)I assume you've already listed for her ALTERNATE ways for Boy to learn; either way, it might be good to relist there, just to say, "Yeah, here's the way it works for him." Though I guess if she's already being such a butt about it, she'll just be like, "OH LOOK MOM EXPECTS ME TO SPOIL THE BOY WHEN WHAT HE REALLY NEEDS IS " and then keep on bein' a butt. :///
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Date: 2010-04-21 06:17 pm (UTC)I added to the original, I thought everyone's suggestions had merit. BAH.
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Date: 2010-04-21 06:07 pm (UTC)**I am unnaturally cautious about this, as my mother got hit with it a few times by bitchy teachers who claimed she had no interest in the fact that I was lousy at math. She poured thousands into special tutoring and special books. We both sweated blood over math...and I continued to be lousy at it.
Teachers don't like to admit that a person can expend enormous effort trying to accomplish something and yet get very little return.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 06:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 06:13 pm (UTC)My only suggestions would be to CC the principal, and to suggest an alternate project your son could do in place of learning the history rap. Maybe he could do an extra report, or a book report, or something else that works with his learning differences.
(I still remember the name of the bitchy teacher who hated me and called me up in front of the class to dress me down for the heinous sin of reading a book after I'd finished my homework.)
no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 06:19 pm (UTC)WHEN TEACHERS GET MAD AT YOU FOR LEARNING ON YOUR OWN, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG THERE. (Unless it was a Playgirl magazine you were reading, lol.) Gah. Bad teachers are BAD.
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Date: 2010-04-21 06:31 pm (UTC)WTF is up with making your kid call you from school? Since when did classrooms have phones?
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Date: 2010-04-21 07:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 06:36 pm (UTC)There is only, what....five weeks of school left? Something like that...he won't have to put up with this asshat next year, and he's *almost done*. If he can hold onto his high C grade then he can forget about her.
And yes - constant negatives are *not* the way to go. Grrrrrrrrr. I loathe teachers like that.
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Date: 2010-04-21 07:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 06:36 pm (UTC)No seriously, this is a good letter. And tooootally cc the principal.
I'm sorry this is happening, sweet pea.
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Date: 2010-04-21 07:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 06:40 pm (UTC)As you know I have dealt with at least three teachers of Holden's whom were also fuck-wads.
You were much more eloquent then I ever was. Too much hillbilly redneck in my DNA. :-)
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Date: 2010-04-21 07:06 pm (UTC)I can take off my rangs and put some Vaseline up on my grill after some whiskey sours, if she wants to do this... :D
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Date: 2010-04-21 07:24 pm (UTC)Plus, I think you should try consulting the special ed team leader. I'm sure they are trained to handle situations like this.
ALTERNATE, PIPER VERSION:
"I'd make it a bit more formal and a bit more detached, as to remove any signs of conflict... but I'm just a German microbe, so I don't know if you humans do it some other way."
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Date: 2010-04-21 07:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 07:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 07:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 08:32 pm (UTC)I um...well...can I give you a teacher's perspective? Just real quick?
She may not hate Austin. In fact, the sheer amount of contact that she IS giving you demonstrates her concern. Teaching is exhausting stuff and the only reason we ever contact parents about every little thing is for 2 reasons: 1 = we care and 2 = we are playing CYA.
I'm going to venture out on a limb here and say that it may be a case of actually caring (but not knowing how to best approach The Boy's learning style/understanding his disability) combined with a case of CYA. Since The Boy does have a disability, odds are you have an IEP (yes?). When a teacher has a student with an IEP in class, it's like everything in you goes on high-alert. While you may not be one of those parents, IEP's can be a warning signal of watchdog parents. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is bad. I'm guessing that the teacher here has been burned at somepoint (or is attempting to prevent being burned) by a parent who accused her of not keeping them apprised of their student's situation at every opportunity.
While I am sure it seems like overkill and nagging, it's entirely possible that she's just trying to make sure that if something were to go down (like you were the kind of parent to question a grade, or go to the principal about her not meeting her child's needs) she would have a paper trail that could prove her side of the story. You'd be shocked at how many parents once they have an IEP then figure they have to do nothing and it is now all up to the school to handle absolutely EVERYTHING.
Just a thought.
At the same time...being that she's a youngish person, she may not have been in teaching long enough to figure out the balance between keeping you apprised of the situation and being negative about The boy's progress. I always used to tell anyone I was training to deal with parents that you always had to use "the sandwich" when telling parents something negative. You put the negative in-between two positives--i.e., "CJ did great on their quiz today, but I'm concerned about X. But we've talked about it he and I, and now that I've talked to you I know that things are going to improve in that arena because we're all in this together."
You're a great mom, and I wish that I could have had more parents like you: concerned and involved, but not overbearing, and willing to take responsibility for the actions of their child and accepting of shortcomings, but willing to partner in finding the best avenue to success. HOWEVER, 80% of parents are NOT--and for the remainder? It's not the child or the system or the curriculum or anything else to blame it's the teacher. Sometimes you've got to develop defense mechanisms to cope with the constant barrage of "it's all YOUR fault."
Then again, she could just be a bitch.
Have you ever met with her in-person just one-on-one? That might help.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 09:02 pm (UTC)Second, our school has this policy of communicating with the parents When Things Go Wrong. Example: my son's Spanish teacher sends me an email if my son misses, say, three homework assignments or his grade is in danger of slipping into failure. While I, as a parent, think that's a great way to keep informed, I also feel for the teachers because that's a lot of extra work that falls into the nanny category.
Having said that... She sends me emails (or makes my son call me - the phone is in the classroom) for anything and everything. I wasn't exaggerating when I said I got notified that he wasn't bringing his RED FOLDER to class. (The papers he had. Not the flippin' folder.)
I'm also the parent that the other teachers I've had over the years have enjoyed. They hug me when we bump into each other at the store, that kind of thing. Why? Because I believe the teacher rules that classroom, and when they say something I pinch my child's arm and say, "HOW HIGH, tell them." I am always willing to help, to offer any info, to stand in the classroom, you name it.
Now, she's in her mid-30s. (Ish. Maybe older.) The just out of school teachers? They rock. They're all about new ideas in the classroom. This one? Her way, period. Here's your time line, memorize it, regurgitate it on paper. She also HAS NOT ATTENDED THE ARD MEETINGS. She's not there. You know what I mean? The woman can't be bothered, is what I hear from that action.
Not to mention the singling out of my child in the classroom for all the things wrong. I'm the FIRST ONE to say my child did something wrong. I really am. I do not believe my children are perfect, behave like model citizens 100% of the time, that kind of thing. But this woman... Boy, she's just pugilistic and the way she words things just feels like an attack. It's no wonder my kid feels intimidated by her.
If she would just come to the damn meetings, she'd see that I'm not the parent that she's worried I'll be (going with your scenario, which I think has merit, big time.)
...and I just got a reply from her, and I'm not ready to read it yet, because it's already starting off with, "Mrs. Stoney, I am fully aware of Austin's ARD folder...." *head desk*
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Date: 2010-04-21 09:08 pm (UTC)I thought your email was detached and far more polite than I could have been, while still making your exact point. A failing student, sure, she can go into that kind of overkill. But because he didn't complete a single assignment properly? Pfft.
I'm going to sound really old and really Oklahoman in this next statement: In my 4th grade history class, we were assigned to complete the questions at the end of every chapter each week. I went home, watched "Dukes of Hazzard" and promptly forgot about the assignment. The next morning I wouldn't have my homework, I'd get 3 swats with a paddle, made up the assignment during recess (natural consequences) and she never called my mom. I went on to minor in History in college and you've met me, I'm hardly destined to repeat my past (rimshot). She's assigning way too much importance to small details IMO. But I went to school in the 80s in a red state so, you know, grain of salt. Keep us posted!
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Date: 2010-04-21 09:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 09:53 pm (UTC)What a frustrating situation.