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stoney321
I failed to post this story last week. FAILED. You know who also failed? The club owner for once again having me be the one person that didn't get recorded (WTF, Phil?) and for telling me I'd be going 4th, then the emcee calling me to go up FIRST as I'm sliding a chicken nacho in my mouth. Uh... *chews super fast as I bound up on stage* Meh. Oh, and if you're guessing that I came in second AGAIN, then you guessed correctly. I'm not performing in June because I'll be out of town, and also because I'm a little bummed by how I perceive I'm being treated. They know me, they know I'll perform, and I kinda feel like I'm filler while they try and get new folks in. Meh. HOWEVER. This is one of my all time great stories, so screw it, this is funny. And completely indicative of life in Utah, btw.[NOTE: This is an excerpt from my -unpublished- book. The story I told at the club was filled with I KNOW!s and bug-eyed facial expressions. And a jalapeño in my teeth, I'm sure. Also, there's a running gag in the book about the constant "testimonies" that Mormons are pressed into giving - that means you have to testify that the church is true, Joseph Smith is the most awesome prophet ever, and you wrap it up with "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." So I say that last bit as a joke a lot. In case you're wondering what the hell that's doing in the story. We in the biz call that a "joke."]
Excerpt from Chapter Three: We Are The Rising Generation, Oh My Heck, by Laura Stone Do not reprint without permission.
The worst date of my life happened while living in the Jell-O Belt (Boise, Idaho south to Queen's Creek, Arizona) and really, unless you were murdered on your worst date ever, yours can’t compare to this one. And if you try and tell me that you were murdered, then how are you reading this, liar pants? Busted.
Oh, did I crush on this boy. Where did I first see him? A church dance, of course. And he was a really good dancer, which was a plus since that’s all we ever did as Mormon Youth. He had just come back from a mission to Korea and was full of goodness and truth and all the things a good Mormon girl wants in a man and he seemed interested in me, another plus. I have written in my journal that he was “such a stud” and that “the spirit is so strong with him.” I'm surprised I didn't doodle light sabers and sparkle hearts all around his name.
He had passed my car when I was at work one night, noticed the tire going flat, drove home on his motorcycle, brought an air compressor back, and fixed my car tire. [Note 2: the audience GASPED here, like "Holy shit, that's awesome!" BECAUSE IT WAS. End note 2.] He was chivalrous, too! You noticed the bit about the motorcycle? Totally hot, right? Right. He always came to my Sunday school class when I was teaching instead of the other class, and his sister told me that he talked about me to his mom. Clearly things were going to happen with this guy, was my thinking.
I offered to cook him an authentic Korean dinner and then we could watch a video in my dorm room. (Translation: we can kiss and you can check out my mad home ec. skills.) He’s a go, and I started getting ready for the date. He called me early in the afternoon to tell me how he’d been thinking of me all day. Awesome. An hour after that he calls and says his best friend just got home from his mission, but will only be in town for 24 hours. Not awesome.
I think the date is canceled, but he still wants to see me, so he asks if he can bring his friend along. Well, at least the food won’t go to waste. Date time comes around and at my door is my cute, funny, holy and righteous guy. And another guy behind him. And... another girl? I’m thinking my date found a date for his buddy Randy, which is terrific! Because I was a charitable sort, I didn’t mind that we wouldn’t have enough food for all of us, and I was very friendly with this girl who, truth be told, was pretty homely, had a perpetual surly look on her face, and dressed in dirty clothes. And really, she had bad acne and thick makeup painted on and dirty clothes! Who wears dirty clothes on a blind date? Did she take that too literally? I’ll give you a minute on that one.
After we ate (I didn’t) and after trying to get this girl to talk (she won’t) and trying to warm up the buddy to this girl (he wouldn’t) I offer for my date and I to go down and pick out a movie. He says that I should go with Randy and he’d stay behind. My thought at this time was the girl and the buddy weren’t getting along, so he was being graceful about the awkward situation, maybe trying to orchestrate an exit for her.
Randy and I get outside of my dorm and first off, the guy's a cheesy club dude with a slicked back ponytail and a shiny shirt. Ew. That is not a Celestial manner of dressing, people. He's also a total schmoozer, and tries to get "close" to me and says in what I imagine he thought sounded sexy, "I don't know why Mike is dating Eve when he could be with someone as fun as you."
Did you also just hear a needle scratch along a record? ME, TOO. "I'm sorry, what did you say?" [Note 3: this also elicited a huge gasp from the audience, which caused me to bug my eyes out and gesture wildly: I KNOW!" End note 3.]
"Yeah, Mike's dating her. Weird, huh?"
OH. MY. HECK.
He brought a date to the date. He brought a date for his date (me) and another date to the date. When I figured out that he was actually on a date with her and not with me on my date, and was in my home and eating my food, I reasonably flipped my lid and sent everyone away. And the just-in-town buddy still tried to hit on me, hoping for a good night smooch or something.
Yeah, that's not happening, Broseph.
Note to anyone just starting off dating: you don’t bring a date to the date. Now, I'm not a lawyer, but I do believe that contractually speaking, the person with whom you’re on the date is providing that service.
And I thought that I'd mention for those curious that the current divorce rate in Utah is 4.3 per 1,000, slightly higher than the United States divorce rate of 4.1 per 1,000 according to a 2006 report by the Center for Health Data, Office of Vital Records and Statistics. I'm just saying.
And to Mike Blunck, if you’re reading this: you’re a jerk, I was prettier and funnier than that slug of a boring, surly, dirty girl that I fed, and I bet you’re prematurely bald and have ED. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Ha ha. I still love that story, even though I hate that story. What an ass.
IN OTHER NEWS: I have to buy a dress today for the wedding that I probably will be late for and ruin everything, because that's what I do. Also, my MiL mentioned that this wedding is a "very casual affair in a garden, so [I] might want to wear pants or something." That makes me think this is a formal affair with people in tuxes and tails and I'll be like Bridget Jones showing up at a Vixen and Vicars party in a sex outfit while everyone else is dressed for church. SO A NICE DRESS IT IS, THEN.
Pro tip: it's always better to be OVER dressed than UNDER. Which is why I am always wearing tiaras and silk, even in the garden. I'm actually doing something I shouldn't, which is looking for a dress to match my adorable shoes: 4.25" stacked peekaboo heels with tan leather on the heel and toe (with a buckle) and navy and white stripes on the shoe. THEY ARE SO CUTE. A nice barrel-shaped leather clutch with a coordinating buckle would be aces. But I'm sure that doesn't exist simply because I would like it.
(And when did I become THIS girl? Eh, I've always loved heels. And my 18 year old Birks. I HAVE LAYERS.)
Lastly, if anyone wanted to buy me these amazing outdoor benches, I would not turn them down. In case you were wanting to buy me something, I didn't want you to scramble for ideas. I'm nice like that.
[ETA FOR HOLY CRAP FACTOR!!] MIKE HAS BEEN FOUND. HE IS BALD, AHAHAHAHAHA! Eff you, dude.
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:07 pm (UTC)To borrow from Supernatural, I'd have to call that guy an Assbutt. Pretty much the only thing that's coming to mind.
boggleboggleboggle.
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:07 pm (UTC)MY worst date was only bad because he ended up in bed with my roommate the next morning, but he did at least have the good grace to bot bring her WITH him to dinner.
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:43 pm (UTC)I'm telling you, that state is POISON.
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:09 pm (UTC)I didn't know that, about the divorce rate! That's wild. I'm curious now what re-marriage is like in LDS, or if people basically back away from the church once they're divorced because of the shame? Shame. D: <---Jerry Blank voice.
I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY! <--also Jerry Blank voice, lol
Date: 2010-05-19 03:45 pm (UTC)Oh, he smirked the next day in Sunday school and I made a point of mentioning at the end of class before everyone left that "You don't bring a date to a date, and that is why this state is seen as backwards." And he stopped smirking because everyone in class knew we were supposed to have gone out the night before.
I don't know - I know that it's not a stigma to get divorced like it used to be. (Then again, TEMPLE divorce is a whole 'nother bag of worms.)
Re: I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY! <--also Jerry Blank voice, lol
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:24 pm (UTC)That date! Hahahahaha! Mike Blunck totally married that girl and they have nine surly children that all have acne but he still dreams of you, Stoney. You dance through his dreams like crazy!
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:46 pm (UTC)Ahahahahaha, tough stuff for him, then! Lol.
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-19 03:46 pm (UTC)I really REALLY have no idea. I mean, how could I not think he was into me, right? JEEEERRRRRRRRK.
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:45 pm (UTC)2. Honestly, this could probably be pretty quickly turned into a sitcom plot. I'm seeing a "Three's Company" spec script. Or maybe "Seinfeld" - this seems like something George Costanza would do. Or something that would happen to Elaine.
I think I've watched too much TV in my life.
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:50 pm (UTC)The audience must have loved this story.
Best of luck finding a dress! I hope you get one that goes with the great shoes. Let's see a picture of you all dressed up!
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:52 pm (UTC)I'm heading out the door, ready to dress and undress, dress and undress, sigh, buy a smoothie, dress and undress... (I'm not much of a shopper, lol.)
<3 <3 <3
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:50 pm (UTC)(I thought you were going to say he was practicing for later on, when he was going to be polygamous...)
Let me repeat that your MIL is an idiot, and you will show up looking WAY better than her.
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:54 pm (UTC)(No, I think he was just a cocky asshole. Well, same diff, lol.)
The MiL isn't going because of her cancer treatments, she just likes to sabotage from afar. *head thunk*
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Date: 2010-05-19 03:55 pm (UTC)I wish I had heard you tell that story in person.
As a note, I Googled the name Michael Blunck in Google images...and found a completely bald, prim-mouthed actor of about the right age advertising on a website specializing in Korean movies and drama.
I do not know if this is YOUR Mike Blunck, or if the asshat was named either Mike OR Blunck, but--unless you tell me it is not--I'm going to imagine that it is.
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Date: 2010-05-19 04:02 pm (UTC)OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT IS HIIIIIIIIIIM
HOLY SHEEP SHIT. Oh my GOD.
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Date: 2010-05-19 04:02 pm (UTC)I can't even figure out where to begin to try to figure out his thought process. "Hey, a girl offered to fix me dinner and then we can watch a movie at her place. Should I bring flowers? A non-alcoholic, non-caffeinated beverage? I know! I'll bring my girlfriend!"
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Date: 2010-05-19 06:34 pm (UTC)I just have NO CLUE as to how he came up with his plan. I mean... sheesh.
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Date: 2010-05-19 04:28 pm (UTC)Once was this guy calling me at like 9 o'clock to come to a bar "to meet some of my friends". I had met this guy like twice before, and gone out on one date with him.
I get there and it's not really him and his pals. He's apparently on a double date. It's his friend, the friend's girlfriend, the guy - and the girl that that the girlfriend had brought along as a blind date for him. The blind date was not working out for him, I guess, and rather than waste a perfectly good thursday night, he called me. WTF?
Once I figured out what was going on, I beat a hasty retreat. I hope it was a one off for that other girl and she had better luck after that.
But at least I did not cook for the guy, his date and some other random dude. And your story is more WTF as the guy really did like you - and it's really not clear how he thought that this was going to work out for him as he brought a date for you. What was the best case scenario for him here?
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Date: 2010-05-19 06:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-19 04:38 pm (UTC)To wit: Baseball game, sport I don't much care for but I can enjoy hanging out on occasion at the stadium while the game goes on below me, reading a book. He wandered off in the middle of the first inning to get food, called me on cell phone in inning 6 to say he wasn't coming back. I had no book. XP
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Date: 2010-05-19 06:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2010-05-19 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-05-19 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-19 06:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-19 04:52 pm (UTC)My worst date was the one and only blind date I was ever set up on. My BFF was dating the HOT-GUY-EVERY-GIRL-CRUSHED-ON and so they set me up with Bruce. The guy with brown teeth.
Yeah.
He was awful and I don't remember too many specifics except that he thought I was giving him signals that he could kiss me WITH A WAD OF TOBACCY IN HIS MOUTH.
Dear Brown Teeth Bruce,
You need better social reading skillz. And a trip to the dentist.
And it's never ok to kiss anyone with Tobaccy in your mouth. Got it boy?
Not so much love,
Mel
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Date: 2010-05-19 06:38 pm (UTC)GRODY TOBACCO. I have a horror story about tobacco, but I'll save that one for another day when I need to kill my appetite...
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Date: 2010-05-19 04:56 pm (UTC)You could totally submit this to Awful First Dates (http://awfulfirstdates.com/)! (Or you could just read the stories because they are mostly hiLARIous.)
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Date: 2010-05-19 06:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-19 07:09 pm (UTC)And I like how you ended that story with the Testimony ending :P
BTW, has your book been published yet and is it out? *curious*
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Date: 2010-05-19 07:13 pm (UTC)And hahaha, thanks for getting the testimony meeting joke. it's not published, I'm still looking for an agent!
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Date: 2010-05-19 07:18 pm (UTC)...which probably means *I* was the bad date.
Still, I didn't ever bring a woman and a guy with me to a date. I may have actually brought a date to a party and she then hooked up with my best friend, but cool beans - he was my best friend and after a month or so of them dating we realised that GOOD LORD is this girl boring.
I'm kind of glad I stopped dating and met my Anna through college exchange programmes.
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Date: 2010-05-19 07:34 pm (UTC)The thought of dating again is exhausting - it's so nice to be in a relationship where you are comfortable and know each other.
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Date: 2010-05-19 07:36 pm (UTC)AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, oh, Stoney. Yes. I've been there.
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Date: 2010-05-19 07:51 pm (UTC)And then, "He's such a stud." OH MY GOD. Ahahaha.
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Date: 2010-05-19 07:55 pm (UTC)Me: What! How could you not tell me this! You LIED to me, asshole!
Him: I did NOT lie to you! I mean, come ON. I never said I WASN'T married!
Sigh. Some of these boys. They are not so great.
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Date: 2010-05-19 07:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2010-05-19 09:38 pm (UTC)I think you should buy a lovely dress but then turn up with a pair of pants on your head.
That Mike guy makes no sense. I mean, that's weird, except in a wanting to make you his second wife and was sussing you out by throwing a shiny shirted ponytail guy at you. I have nothing. So you're recommending Utah for a place to meet men then. Duly noted.
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Date: 2010-05-19 09:49 pm (UTC)I bought a lovely dress! And now I'm going to wear scuba gear, because I just can't get anything right! *Lucille Ball-style Uh Oh! face*
You can meet and share lots of men! Okay, twelve. There are officially 12 men in the entire state, there, I said it.
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Date: 2010-05-19 11:38 pm (UTC)It was difficult to stop laughing.
I mean, frankly I have no problem with the buttsex, but I DEFINITELY have a problem with the crazycakes logic and weird attempts at manipulation.
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Date: 2010-05-20 12:02 am (UTC)Um, the whole RELIGION is about crazycakes manipulation, so your hinky meter was SMACK ON.
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Date: 2010-05-20 12:18 am (UTC)You have mad skillz at twisting fate.
Oh, and I too have a 'Date bringing a Date to the Date' story, but it happened to my overly shy, had to prep talk into asking out a girl friend. It was really sad, as he worked really hard to get up the courage to ask that girl out - and then she brings her freaking boyfriend to dinner! Yikes! How to you misinterpret 'I was wondering, will you go to dinner with me?'
Whatever, Mormons, they are a crazy bunch.
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Date: 2010-05-20 12:21 am (UTC)Mormons are the WORST at dating. THE WORST. I was miserable in Utah, I tell ya.
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Date: 2010-05-20 07:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-20 11:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-20 10:41 am (UTC)LOL FOREVER. WHAT a story.
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Date: 2010-05-20 11:51 am (UTC)