BWOOP! BWOOP! ATTENTION ALL YA READERS OF.... A CERTAIN AGE!!

[stoney321]

Meaning those of you who grew up in the 80s like me. EH MEH GEHD, YEH GEHS. Sweet Valley High. Yes. YES. We are totally going to talk about the Wakefield Twins, poor little rich girl Lilah, Rapist-Porsche owner [same diff] Bruce and the hewl gang (lime green Triumph! blonde blue eyed size six perfection! French hair braids! Clips! perfect bf Todd! Jean jackets! nerdy glasses-wearing Enid!)

We're all close BFFs here, yes? OF COURSE WE ARE. So, I'm serious, you guys, guys? Guys. I'm so serious. I totally cried when I originally read #6, Dangerous Love, when you're led to believe SPOILER ALERT [lol] that Elizabeth and Todd DIE in a horrible motorcycle accident and Jessica totally loses it and cries because her TWIN IS DEAD, crie crie crie. But then Bruce drawls some cutting remark sexily while sprawling in terry cloth shorts on his Porsche, Lilah tosses her perfect mane of hair and looks bored and my world goes back to normal. ZOMG, if you tell the other girls about this, we are so not BFF anymore. Also, I was 12. Also, let's put Kassie's bra in the freezer, lol.

True story, when I was 13, I began my shoplifting career by stealing SVH books. OK, STOP. JUST STOP AND LET ME EXPLAIN. I had a hateful mother that didn't allow me any cash to buy books. Did I want to buy eight balls and bail out my boyfriend with the cash? No. Did I want to buy ridiculous purple flats with a big glittery flower on the toe like my sister did with HER money? No. I WANTED BOOKS. And no one would take me to the library in the summertime, so what is a nerdy girl in huge face-covering glasses and feathered hair to do? She goes into Waldenbooks and knocks four or five SVHs in her shopping bag, that's what she does. And then tosses in the Caitlin trilogy for good measure. I WAS A SAD, ABUSED CHILD, OK? (Do you know how much repenting I had to do for that? LOTS, ALRIGHT? Mormon Jesus was seriously mad at me for that and made my parents divorce because of my sins.)

Look. I have a 13 year old daughter now. And I wanted her to be vapid and needy like I was so I could work through my own things, a sort of stretch-mark induced therapy if you will. And you will. [I never get tired of my little joke there, I CAN'T HELP IT.] And yet she's all reading intellectual things, or classic literature, or the Gossip series, or whatever the latest thing is that deals with boobs and sex, but in a safe, teen environment. She won't GET the books and let me steal them while she sleeps. DAMN IT.

I say all of this because I found on THIS AWESOME WEBSITE a snarky breakdown of a lot of the books. And then I find out there are over 180 in the ORIGINAL series. Oh my god, how is that possible? Are some of them about how Jessica was given a shopping list by her mom (also blonde, fit from tennis, happy in their split level California house <-- I remember all of that because I am a dork) and she LOSES IT, YOU GUYS, and then her older brother Stephen, home from college over the weekend, has to make a Really Important Decision about a problem with his roommate, Elizabeth writes it all up for the school newspaper, Enid pushes her glasses up on her nose, Lilah goes shopping, and then Jessica finds the list? THE END. UNTIL BOOK 185. Wow.

...there might be a series of posts of fake book plots coming your way. I LIKE TO DO THAT STUFF, SUE ME. Well, don't, because that would be mean.

I don't want to take apart all of the fans and wash them, why do you ask? (omg, being in the cleanest, prettiest house this past weekend is making me hate my house and see filth every where. By which I retaliate by posting about books I read 20+ years ago, eh meh gehd.) Also, I totally loved those books. And I really don't want to clean right now. *scale hands* OH. And yes, I know Diablo Lame Cody is writing a screenplay for a movie adaption of SVH. And I know the vid to Mormon Jesus. Just sparing you the linkage, if you wanted to inform. :)

[ETA for OMG Factor] Oh, hey. Here are 32 of the books for sale. Is it bad to want this? Or to want them in eReader format? or to want someone to get me a hook up?

[ETA 2 - book cover!]



AHAHAHAHAHA. Don't forget the matching lavaliers! Which makes me think of Annie and Miss Hannigan sitting in a gin-filled bathtub. My brain is a tangled mess, ok?

Comments

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

STONEY I LOVED THE SVH BOOKS SO MUCH. Did I tell you I made my mom save the 100+ of them I owned? She is bringing them up to me this summer. I CAN'T WAAAAAAAIT.

Also I read the Sweet Valley Twins series.

Also the one where they all go bike-riding up the coast of California IS MY FAVORITE.

Also remember when Steven dated the girl in the wheelchair? And how Elizabeth always had to get Jess out of trouble but she loved her anyway? I...I didn't like Jessica at all. I'M AN ELIZABETH GIRL.

omg. This made my morning.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD I AM SO JELLIS OF YOU. I had up to... 86? Something like that. I may have gotten rid of them when I went to college, because I didn't want to be embarrassed. YOU KNOW. IN UTAH.

I read those books, too! Weren't they like, the special editions to start off with? I loved that one! And when they went to FRANCE. I TOTALLY WAS ELIZABETH'S GIRL, TOO.

Now I think I'm a Jessica, I don't know. I just might have to read them all again. ...what do you think the probability of them being in eReader format is? LOL. (But no, really?)

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

I feel like I missed out on being a teenager in the 1970s and early 1980s, because I never read these books. I never even HEARD of these books until I was in college. (I was the kid over in the corner reading stacks, and that is not an exaggeration, of science fiction and fantasy books.)

They do sound like they affected you a lot. And that you really really loved them. And because of that, I'm glad that you found that particular website. And that you're going to be making up fake book posts.

P.S. I think that Mormon Jesus made your parents divorce because your mom was evil and would not take you anywhere that you could get books. As everyone knows, books are right up there with food, clothing and shelter. (And if they don't know that, they should!)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

YOU TOTALLY MISSED OUT. As SDW mentioned above, this is proof to the Twilighters that crappy fiction existed before. But never as deeply as Twilight, it's funny because it's true. :D

*holds you* Mormon Jesus did the right thing, then. Hahahahaha.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Being the literary pack rat that I am, I still have my SVH books somewhere, along with some of the Canby Hall series, I think. I only read the first dozen or so of the SVH, as I recall, but I still remember clearly when Regina (is that her name? She was deaf, maybe?) was reforming Bruce's bad character through her love, but then he took her to a party and she took drugs once and DIED. OMG, that and when Jessica thought Elizabeth died were HIGH DRAMA when I was in elementary school.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD ANYTHING INVOLVING BOARDING SCHOOL. Translation: asldd;fha;rtvkn over you still having them!!!!

I had COMPLETELY forgotten about Regina! Oh, Bruce Pattman. So beautiful (I suppose) and so rich (we're reminded a jillion times) and yet, such an utter douche nozzle. <3

[ruthless1.livejournal.com]

I am too old for those books. Plus I was a complete scifi/fantasy nerd (still am in fact - oh SPN how I love you)
That said - I must admire the breadth of your interests. First Twilight. Now this.
*runs away before you can smack upside the head*

[ruthless1.livejournal.com]

smack ME upside the head! Damn my quick fingers and bad grammar.

[affectingly.livejournal.com]

Also, let's put Kassie's bra in the freezer, lol.

I tried. The freezer is seriously way too full to fit anything else in it. SORRY. :(

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

DAMMIT. Defrost some friggin' pork loins and let's get this party started! Also on bat for tonight: shaving cream in the hand of the first person that falls asleep, and hot/cold water hand dips for person #2!

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

I was a Nancy Drew mysteries girl (the words frock and chum still make me smile). The romance stuff left me cold until I started reading Austen in junior high. I totally missed out on SVH.

You know, since I'm cleaning the dust off the ceiling fans, I think I'll put my bra in the freezer for a bit of a after spring cleaning pick me up!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oooooh, you know, bra in the freezer is a good idea! Or maybe slip a bag of frozen peas in there...

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

I'm sort of thinking that the Diablo Cody screenplay might be all right. Especially if she immerses herself in that world and doesn't try to invent her own slang ("honest to blog!", seriously? come on).

But yis, I loved SVH, and I read a bunch of them, and sometimes I stand in used bookstores and contemplate buying a TUN to read while I eat Rice Krispie treats and wash them down with powder-mix Iced Tea (my snack of choice as a middle-schooler).

Also, I totally went to a party in grad school with my BFF at the time, as the reverse-SVH-twins (because we both had super dark hair and dark eyes, but people did mistake us for one another). I was Elizabeth because -- guess? I WORE A WATCH! Good times!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh GOD, her slang made me cringe in what was otherwise a decent movie. Soupy Sales? Really? Kids today are down with Soupy Sales, Diablo? Pfft.

Oooh, I loved Crystal Light (because my mom had us all on diets growing up and that was what we had aside from water) and Rice Krispie treats! MMMMMMMMMM.

LOL at your having been Elizabeth. You nerdy time keeper/writing of gossip for The Oracle, you! :D

Mormon Jesus sucks for inducing divorce.

[gabzilla.livejournal.com]

What an asshole...

My older sister was more into the SVH than I was (of course my thieving little hands stole them and read them which pissed her off.)
I was more into another teen twin series and by god, I CANNOT remember the name of the series, but I remember the endless descriptions of their brown hair and perfect ski jump noses and how they solved mysteries while being all perfect... What the hell were they called? Now that's gonna bug me for the rest of the day..

Re: Mormon Jesus sucks for inducing divorce.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

He totally is a dick, that Mormon Jesus.

OH MAN. That... Huh, that's really familiar and I can't think of it, either. I bet someone will come along and help us!

[artemiswinter.livejournal.com]

Check this site out for more snarky recaps of SVH books: http://thedairiburger.com/

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh god, I'm just not going to get anything done today, am I?

[furikku.livejournal.com]

I feel wrong... I only ever read one SVH book and that was because it had a VAMPIRE in it.

I think growing up I was incapable of enjoying most series that did not involve SUPERNATURAL ADVENTURES! (With an exception of Babysitters Club and Nancy Drew.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Whoa, wait, there was a VAMPIRE one?! how the hell did I miss that one!?

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

Double Love? Um... there's a lot of twincest in this fandom, isn't there? *ducks*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

IS THERE A FANDOM?!!?!? *races to find out*

[secondalto.livejournal.com]

Oh Stoney, I was so obsessed with SVH back in the day.

But also, Nancy Drew Files. Now those, we had a scandal with those. There was a crossover with the Hardy Boys and it was kind of implied that Frank and Nancy SLEPT TOGETHER!!!! *gasp*

Let me tell you, that blew my pre-teen mind that did.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, how did I miss THAT? I remember reading the teen years of the Black Stallion series and there were hay loft makeouts and dry humping and I was SCANDALIZED. And then promptly reread them. :D

[setauuta.livejournal.com]

While I freely admit that the Babysitter's Club books were my CRACK when I was but a young thing, SVH were right up there. The ones that I still want to read again are the legacies - this one (http://www.amazon.com/Wakefields-Sweet-Valley-High/dp/0553292781/ref=reg_hu-wl_item-added) and this one (http://www.amazon.com/Wakefield-Legacy-Sweet-Valley-High/dp/0553297945/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=I3QOBN16GHSJ29&colid=9VWFJ6N4QKKK). Also, while looking for those links, I found out there was one for the PATMANS OMG (http://www.amazon.com/Patmans-Sweet-Valley-High/dp/0553570234/ref=reg_hu-wl_item-added). They might all be on my wishlist now.

My other favorite were the One Last Wish (http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=one+last+wish&x=0&y=0) books, as I was rather morbid as a child. But, y'know, it happens. :)

[setauuta.livejournal.com]

Also, before I forget, I <3 the book in your icon so hard. *hugs for having fun taste in books*

[tabaqui]

*snickers madly*

I never read those books, so i will watch quietly from the sidelines.
:)

[undersiders.livejournal.com]

I'mma just hide my complete lack of actually reading the SVH books as opposed to just studying their covers when I was a weeteen, and go straight to ICON! ICON! Girl With the Siver Eyes! Siiiiiiigh, never did I want a sequel more, and forever am I denied.

--MP being too lazy to log out of an RP journal

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I LOVED THAT BOOK, TOO. It was great. I need to get my hand son a copy, dangit!

The Girl with The Silver Eyes!!

[(Anonymous)]

Delurking to say HOLY CRAP I LOVE THAT BOOK! Haven't thought about it in yeeeeeears. MUST. FIND. A. COPY. NOW.

Thanks Stoney!

(Sorry for the the Anonymous... I don't have a LiveJournal :))

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

No worries on the anonymous posting! And seriously, HOW AWESOME WAS THAT BOOK?? So awesome.

[veracity]

Hey! Have you ever gone to 1bruce1? That is snarking the best teen series ever. I was a little late in the 80s reading (doesn't every 8-year-old read about sociopath Jessica, whom I share a name with and love with all the power of a thousand suns?) and I picked up my back up name for any future daughter I have with the series in mind. (What? That's totes normal!)

And I still maintain Don't Go Home with John was a kickass book on things like rape. Damn skippy I loved this series.

Can we through Elizabeth in the ocean and drown her? Margo had the right idea.

Plus, I did buy a huge batch of SVH books ages ago. I need to snark on them this summer.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

WELL NOW I WILL SPEND EVEN MORE TIME ON THE COMPUTER, THANK YOU FOR THE COMMUNITY LINK.

[minstrel666.livejournal.com]

I need to start my own series of narky reviews... ProjectMAPLE doesn't count!

Anyway, I need to start my own series of snarky reviews of 90's stuff from Poland (which was lots of recycled 80's American stuff).

Also, if you liked SVH, what are your thoughts on The Babysitter's Club? And because the Nostalgia Chick always deserves a plug: http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thedudette/nostalgia-chick/6791-bclub

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

OMG! I loved those books to when I was a kid! I think I had about 30 of them or so. o.O They actually have a few of them at the library where I work! I had no idea there were 185 of them though! Geez... Blast from the past much?

[ladycyndra.livejournal.com]

...Mormon Jesus? Do I want to know?

[lynnenne]

Mormon Jesus was seriously mad at me for that and made my parents divorce because of my sins.

Well, that explains everything. All your ills are Mormon Jesus' fault!

I did not read these books, and I don't know anyone who did. Possibly because I live in a part of the world where the sun never shines? I do not know!

What's a lavalier?

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

HAHA WHICH IS THE ONE WHERE ELIZABETH (LOLOLOLOLOL) WAKES UP ALL SLUTTY FROM A COMA

THAT ONE WAS RAD

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

THAT WAS AFTER THE ONE WHERE ELIZABETH RODE ON TODD'S MOTORBIKE AND THEY (NATCH) WRECKED AND TODD DIDN'T GIVE HER HIS ONLY HELMET BECAUSE HE'S A DOUCHE CANOE.

What about the one where they misunderstood each other and things went haywire but then they all learned something in the end? I LIKED THAT ONE, TOO.

[estrella30.livejournal.com]

OH GOD I LOVED THOSE BOOKS.

my FAVORITE was the one, ugh, I forget what number it was but it had a yellow cover and it was about Todd MOVING. and he had to LEAVE and Elizabeth was CRYING and SO UPSET and it was WONDERFUL.

true story: I totally had them all and got rid of them when I was too cool for them (OR SO I THOUGHT) and then REBOUGHT a huge fucking LOT of them on ebay like, three years ago and they are WONDERFUL (in a totally terrible way.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OMG TODD MOVING WAS SEW SAD! And they promised to love each other FOR EVER and then like Liz hooked up with fifteen people before he moved back. LIKE JEFFERY. AND BRUCE "Rapist Porsche Polo Set" PATMAN.

Christ, I know too much about these. AND I WISH I HAD THEM ALL TOOOOOO!

[bitchygrrl.livejournal.com]

OH . . .MY . . . GOD!!!! Girl you don't even know how I loved SVH, that and The Cheerleaders series. I thought Francine Pascal was a genius. LOL I used to fantasize about being locked in the bookstore at night and being able to read all the SVH books. I had big dreams what can I say? I love that site.
Also I actually am reading the Gossip Girl series. You might get a kick out of it, some things never change.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I hear the Gossip Girls books are racy, too! SCANDALOUS! (That link up top is a site that also talks about ALL YA! Including Gossip Girls! you might get a kick out of that.)

[ethrosdemon.livejournal.com]

I guess you will hate me when I tell you I never read a single one of these books and I actually have no idea what they're even about.

Also, I lost my wallet. Seriously, wtf is going on this week? (It had like five hundred dollars worth of gift cards in it.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

NO, I WILL NOT HATE YOU I WILL BE JEALOUS OF YOUR SPARED BRAIN MEATS.

Oh my fucking GOD, KASSIE. What the fucking fuck?! I am outraged on your behalf. OUTRAGED. I don't even know how you are not just making fist smashes on the keyboard, I AM SO SORRY.

...DID YOU MOW IT?