Dear Fanfic Writers with a GROSS MISUNDERSTANDING of the term EXPLICIT

[stoney321]

There better be some detailed sexing in your gee dee fic if you are rating it EXPLICIT. Here, let me help. Explicit: fully and clearly expressed or demonstrated; leaving nothing merely implied; unequivocal

See, the reason why I am reading fanfic marked NC-17/E (for EXPLICIT) is because I want to read the bonings, okay? I want to read all the naughty prep, the during, and the messy afters. I DO NOT WANT TO READ THE EQUIVALENT TO A "CAMERA PANS TO ROARING FIRE." That is what fanfic is FOR: to freakin' turn the cameras back towards the BONINGS.

(I will not be judged by you, random skimmer of flists! And every time I read about clothed dry humping that is maybe one paragraph long and I've already read a good 60K of your 70K fic THAT WAS RATED EXPLICIT, a kitten is straight up murdered by a clown. Did you know that was the consequence of mislabeling your fics?!

Because I hate dressing up like a clown just to murder a kitten, but I am bound by law, and you should be too.)

JFC, and the M rating for a crotch lined up with another where they can feel the outline of some dudes dick in his pants. I GREW UP MORMON AND EVEN I KNOW THAT AIN'T PORN. That was a sin, not porn. LEVI-LOVINGS <<<<< GROWN UP SEXINGS.

Come on, Sterek Tag on AO3. Get your shit together. If only to save the life of a kitten and my pores from the greasepaint. IF ONLY FOR THAT.

Signed,
Writer who is avoiding writing her own damn story. [grumpycat.gif]

Comments

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

Do you leave anonymous rants like this on the fic that has so disappointed you with its pointless non-porniness? That lying writer really needs to pay with more than an innocent kitten's life.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HAHAHA - for the record, I NEVER comment anonymously (unless it's to a random person on a love meme that has no love. :( The mom in me can't deal with it) and I cannot leave negative feedback. I hate when people bitch at me about my stories in comments, so.

I just like to rant to no one (and to everyone) in a passive-aggressive way that might encourage people to STOP BEING JACKHOLES. lol.

LYING WRITER!! *grrs and shakes fists*

[amyryd.livejournal.com]

Oh my god... I think I might need to have "Fanfiction is for turning the cameras back to the bonings" embroidered on a pillow. Lol for all of eternity.

Now please excuse me while I resume my search for explicit fic (side note - part 4 of Flaming Muse's recent fic was wonderfully explicit!! Thanks for whatever influence you had over that!!)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

THAT IS WHAT FANFICTION IS FOR!!!!! Yeesh. It's to fill in the blanks (hurr /12 year old boy) of what we don't see on screen, or what is hinted at very strongly on screen.

Isn't that fic DELICIOUS?! I got to beta read it, which is about the best job ever. I even get to poke her and tell her to write me MORE sexings. Heee. (Psst: the final bit went up just now!)

[dancetomato.livejournal.com]

You yada yaya'd over the best part.

No, I mentioned the bisque.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I feel like I must have had a mini-stroke because I know these are words in English, but I can't understand them! D:

[http://users.livejournal.com/shing_/]

I feel like I need to high five you for the yada yada quote.

So, *high five*

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Someday I am going to write a sex scene in which I very explicitly detail every crackle and pop of the fire and ignore the couple on the rug next to it. JUST FOR YOU.

:D

AND WRITE YOUR FIC, LADY. WRITE IT SO THAT YOU CAN GET TO THE PART WHERE YOU DON'T PAN AWAY FROM THE BONINGS.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHA don't you dare!!

Man, it was a GREAT story with awesome character development and juicy feelings and the...YOU PAN, WRITER?! But sex-connection is the BEST PART! *sobs*

I WANT TO WRITE BUT I KEEP GETTING DISTRACTED. harumph. *sourfaces*

[justa-reader.livejournal.com]

If you wrote it, I'd probably read your fireplace porn. Just sayin'. I mean come on, fires are nice.

[ryokomusouka.livejournal.com]

But....where does it cross the line from being explicit into being just gratuitous and gross?

Let me back up. I'm writing my own fanfic and I consider it "explicit". I don't get too much into juices and stuff. I suppose a lot of it IS implied, but really, there are only so many ways you can describe The Act without getting stupid with goofy synonyms and such...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

If you don't use a word to describe the body parts, if you don't even DESCRIBE WHAT THEY'RE DOING, then that's not explicit.

I don't need juicy and stuff like that, but hey, some people like that stuff. But I need more than staring at someone's mouth, and then saying "Come here" as they shut the door. AND THAT'S IT.

Rate that story accordingly.

[druidchick.livejournal.com]

don't use synonyms? cock, ass, pussy, wet, warm, etc... are all good words and can be used regularly. :)

lol. just not "member" or "rod" please!

[lynnenne]

AHAHAHAHAHA. This is the funniest thing I have read all week. Bring on the bonings!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I MEAN I HAVE HAD A WEEK, YOU KNOW? a MONTH OF SUNDAYS, IF YOU WILL (and you will.)

WHERE ARE MY SEXY SHENANIGANS TO TAKE ME AWAY? *sobs bitterly*

[shadowvalkyrie.livejournal.com]

<3

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

<3 same to you and more of it. ;)

[heresluck]

Preach it, girlfriend. I read some of the stories labeled E at the AO3, and... I mean, it is sometimes clear in various ways that the writers are quite young, but I can't help thinking "If that is your idea of explicit, actual real-life sex is going to be really confusing for you."

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I'm having difficulty finding my +1 button on my keyboard because YES. THAT. This. Up thar.

And oh, bless their hearts when they actually see that when they shut the door with the fireplace blazing that it gets REALLY SWEATY AND AWKWARD IN PLACES.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Wait.


Wait.


You mean to tell me that there is fanfic THAT DOES NOT CONTAIN ANY SMUT??!

WHAT IS THE EVER LOVING POINT OF THAT SHIT???

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I KNOW!

THIS IS GROSSLY CRUEL AND UNUSUAL, AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO CONTACT GENEVA OR SOME SHIT.

Omg. You are a hoot!

[lissysadmin.livejournal.com]

Can't argue, but OMG! Kittens? Dying laughing over here.

...and a holler? *fingers crossed*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hee! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. ;D

[dovil.livejournal.com]

People who promise smut and don't deliver, people who say it's G rated and then there's Surprise Smut!, people who give warnings that are five pages long and list every sex act ever invented and some that should be illegal on every country on earth, people who squelch their way through a sex scene until all sexiness packs up its suitcase, grabs a cab and gets out of dodge. The human race gave literacy a good crack but I think it's time we stopped.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

"but I think it's time we stopped."

Here, I'll play TAPS, you shoot the flaming arrow. Try to hit fanfiction.net first.

[fitofpique.livejournal.com]

You are the greatest person! BRING ON THE BONINGS!!!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I MEAN. AM I ASKING TOO MUCH REALLY??

...I think not.

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

MY MISREADING OF YOUR NEXT POST IS NOW 10000 TIMES MORE ENTERTAINING

this post is now diamonds

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I JUST LAUGHED MY ASS OFF.

Also, I need you to get over your shame and link me to some fucking dirty Sterek porn. Porn with feels, porn without, I NEED NEKKID STEREK DANCING IN MY HEAD.

[femmenerd.livejournal.com]

I GREW UP MORMON AND EVEN I KNOW THAT AIN'T PORN. That was a sin, not porn. LEVI-LOVINGS <<<<< GROWN UP SEXINGS.

Ahahaha. You're great. Also, hi!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HEY THERE!!! *hugs you all up*

I am so glad someone laughed at that. Because it's true. ;D

[justa-reader.livejournal.com]

IN THE NAME OF KITTIES EVERYWHERE, YES!

I am crying tears of joy (and empathy) that this post exists today. Because I needed a reminder of WHY I hang out in fandom. Bemoaning the lack of smuttiness in alleged smut stories just never goes over well as party small talk. And if you can't complain about something at a boring party with a drink in your hand, then where in the hell can you complain? Fandom, that's where.

Even though I always internally flinch and hope that I've rated my own fics appropriately. Hmmm, how detailed the handjob before it's NC-17? Such conundrums.

SAVE STONEY'S PORES, WRITE ALL THE WORDS!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HEE!! yes, Fandom is where you can discuss this stuff like a GROWNUP. (lol!)

Eh, handjobs are R. EASY PEASY. ;D

[prettypinkdyke.livejournal.com]

I cackled my way like a madwoman through this post. I think my roommates suspect I've finally cracked. BUT OMG SO TRUE. THE POOR KITTENS. YOUR POOR PORES.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

WONT SOMEONE THINK OF THE KITTENS? AND MY PORES?!

(lol)

<3

[dampersnspoons.livejournal.com]

I know folks who rate their fics NC-17 just to get more hits, and feel no shame about it at all. But they should, Stoney. They should. They are giving blue balls the fandom-world over, and it is not nice. And it is also a lie.

Unless your story is so fucking amazing that I can go without the sex because it's wonderful or whatever, I'm not reading it nor should I because that is what TV is for. Give me the pay per view, motherfuckers. GIVE IT TO ME OR I WILL STEAL YOUR CABLE.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

!!!!

THAT IS THE WORST THING I'VE EVER HEARD. What jackholes!