stoney321 | Pirate Fic! Absolute Crack!

So,

tkp and I have been cackling with crack-filled glee all day long, and this is the result of her prompt in

entrenous88's journal (who gave me permission to run like the wind with this. Because she's SMART. I am so broken inside.)

"Spike the Pirate who captures the ship with Connor in it, Connor is being shipped off because his father is forcing him to get married, and Connor's dowry went to the highest bidder, and now Spike the Pirate's waylaid it, but found that the greatest treasure of all is Connor himself."

So, um... this is what she gets. With apologies to The Princess Bride, Barry White, Joss Whedon, and your brains. Also, blatant abuse of "Winken Blinken and Nod" ahead. Your childhood memories are at stake.

Author: *sigh* Stoney
Title: Connor and The Pyrate Spoike
Rated: Arrrrr. (No, really. R.)
Pairings: Connor/Spike (with Liam overtones. THIS IS CRACK, people!)
Summary: Pirates. Dowries. (Dowrys?) Pirate cabin smex. Connor OOC. Spike OOC. Shit, they're ALL OOC. Yarrrr!

Connor and The Pyrate Spoike

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, unless you lived in Ireland, in which case in a land very close to where you are now, lived a woebegone boy named Connor. Connor lived with his mighty and cruel father, Liam, because we've set this tale in Ireland. Angel sounded a bit too Papist. If you know what I mean. And if you do, fill me in. Thanks. Liam was cruel and - oh, we've mentioned that. Liam wants to marry Connor off to the highest bidder - yes he's a boy, but he's a very very PRETTY boy. Suitors had come from far and wide (which is to say, East to West) until Liam settled on a man of property and esteem from Slovakia by the name of Wesley. Not to be confused with the Dread Pirate Wesley, because face it, that wasn't going to strike fear into the heart of anyone.

Connor had a substantial dowry - one that his father cannot touch due to a crafty and wily and quite dead mother. This was another reason for Connor's woebegoneness and forlorn spirit. Mostly, however, our young heroine, er, hero, was sad in his heart and soul (be do be do be do) because he has so much love to give. And all his days, he hoped and he prayed for someone just like... well, there's the rub. Which he did. Often. Because Connor was of an age, and was surrounded by barren lands and no beautiful someone to share himself with, except Palmela and her five sisters.

And lo, it came to pass that one cold and gloomy day - actually, it was a rare sunshiny day in Ireland, but Connor's a bit difficult - that Liam told Connor to pack a bag, limber up, and grab some lanolin - they would be boarding a ship and setting sail for Slovakia (they weren't smart back in those days and didn't realize it was land-locked) to marry Connor up to Earl Wesley, whereby his Da would get a portion of the precious dowry. Wesley always tipped the pimps.

Connor woefully climbed the many many stairs of his circular tower, grabbed a few belongings, and drug his heels all the way to the ship. When he asked how long it would take for them to arrive in Slovakia, the large, white haired and jolly captain hollered out that it was only a three hour tour. (They didn't know how to tell time back then.) But, the weather started getting rough, the tiny shipped was tossed. If not for the boarding of a pirate crew, the Hyperion would be lost. The Hyperion would be lost. Oh, sorry, I was afraid you didn't read that last sentence all the way.

And what of this pirate crew? Where did they come from? Are they just a plot device? YES. But no. They're more. So much more...

*wavy lines of flashback*
*or possibly a proscenium opening to reveal the stage, yes, I like that one better*

~*~*~

Connor, a dowry, 'n his Da one night
Sailed off in a wooden ship --
Sailed off to Slovakia - a land locked site -
Delivering him to his pimp.
"Where are we going, and what does he wish?"
The sad boy asked of his Da.
"Yer sweet white arse and yer hole to fish,
He likes 'em tight with a pretty jaw,
He dun care if yer a fine boy or a squaw."
Said Connor-with-dowry's Da.

The old man laughed and sang a song
As they rocked in that wooden boat,
And the wind that sped them to god knows where
Dried out poor Connor's throat.
His sweet tight arse had ne'er been fished
Nor lips had e'er touched his jaw
"But Da, I'm skeert - not once have I swished -
Mayhaps his cock I'll gnaw!"
So cried the fair boy to his cold hearted pa,
That Connor-with-dowry's Da.

All the night long the boat did it sail
To a land-locked country (I know)
'Til a bump and a roar signaled pirates aft
With a blonde pirate captain (chapeau'd)
"Well, what have we here - a full lipped lad?
I warrant this cannot be!
Perhaps 'tis a dream - a beautiful dream -
Where I plunder a new trainee?"
But Liam would not let down Earl Wesley,
That Connor-with-dowry's Da!

"Connor-with-dowry-" he started to say,
"Belongs to another gent.
The man, he is itchy - you can see why -
To get his wick dipped and bent.
So shut yer mouth, pull up yer pants
And get the hell off o'me boat."
"I'll not leave yet," the pirate laughed,
"'Til I feel the fine lad in my throat."
"Ye'll not feel or finger his cock nor his choat!"
Said Connor-with-dowry's Da.

"Are ye daft or dumb?" Liam sputtered hence,
"To not hear a word that I cry?
'Tis true that the lad is enormous - immense!
And sweet as a Spring hare pie-"
The pirate cared not for the words of the man
And stormed past (a straight shot)
For the long-limbed lad (lovely as a Rodin)
Grabbed the boy, said, "Yarr, ye're caught;
And my thanks to yer Pa for this lovely yacht.
To Connor-with-dowry's Da!"

The pirates they roared; oh how they cheered!
"To find such a booty hence!"
Blonde Pirate (double entendre - the intent) had jeered,
"Now let buggery commence!"
His crew - the scoundrels - they laughed and they sneered -
The ship was filled with loot.
And those Irish lads smilingly volunteered
To hammocks the two crews did scoot.
Some worried, but changed their tune and dinna give pursuit
To Connor-with-dowry's Da.

Alone was left Connor and the blonde pirate
Who's looks were rather nice,
Said he, "Ye're quiet, a good-looking chit
Can I offer a bit o'advice?"
Connor he quailed, yet imagined a nook
To hump that handsome man
Replied he, "Spare me your words, your gobbledygook.
Drop your pants, Eyes of Cyan.
And do tell me right smart - in the mouth or the can?"
(Poor Connor-with-dowry's Da!)

The pirate he smirked and he preened, the cad,
And said, "In yer mouth, and now."
The boy pouted, snorted, and pulled up a pad
Then drug the man off to the prow.
He opened his mouth and smacked his red lips
And undid the pirate's laces.
The pirate he beamed and tweaked his own nips
(Good thing the boy wore no braces)
"I'll give ye my cock," he cried, "then when you're in my good graces,
Next 'tis Connor-with-dowry's Da!"

Liam he bobbed and floated 'longside his ship;
And heard the man's boastful call,
And thrashed and did yell, "Not unless ye want a fat lip!"
Then prayed for a helpful squall.
No wind nor storm nor rough sea befell the horny crew
They fucked and they sucked
With wanton glee until each sailor was through.
A plan did the lad 'gin to construct,
A plan in which he was throroughly fucked,
Not by Connor-with-dowry's Da.

The pirate he gleamed, he sighed, and he said,
"A bonnie right laddie you are.
You use yer pert mouth sae fine on me head,
You've passed the test so far.
But now it's time to spread yer tight cheeks-
Show me yer compass rose."
Connor's eyes did roll and his cock it did leak
At the pirate's awful prose.
Ne'er heard such words, Spike later supposed,
From Connor-with-dowry's Da.

The gay ship sailed on 'cross the ocean that night -
The lovers did embrace.
Their souls discovered something of greater might
Than gold or a priceless vase.
The thing they did find that made their hearts soar
Was a warm and willing guy.
A young lad and a man who often 'sclaimed "Cor"
All night played 'hide the pork pie.'
Now bolstered by love, the boy finally did cry,
"Farewell Connor-with-dowry's Da!"