Karma Laundrette

Happy Zombie Jesus Day on Sunday, errbody that celebrates that, and happy "Thank you for not killing us, O God," if you celebrate that one instead.

And happy "I get to sleep in and not buy extra stuff" day for the rest of us! :D As is the custom of my people, I link you to the Easter Parody song I wrote back in 2006 (and tweaked in '09) set to Michael Jackson's Thriller - because it's a) hilarious and b) it's Michael Jackson.

I'll be posting The Bones of You over the weekend, those following that. Oh! and because it's just been a week of awesome people online being awesome about me (and I would like to remind everyone that I do not really take myself seriously, I am a dork, I admit that, and anyone that has read "Meta Posts" of mine and knows me knows that my #1 goal is to make you laugh?)

Having said that.

Dear Anonymous Person in a hate meme that thinks I am an asshat for how I call myself "an authority*" in my "over the top posts on Mormonism,"

You're right. I am an asshat. For your mom. (SICK BURN)

Signed, me - just some schlub on the innarwebs that talks to my friends and is often shocked that people pay attention. (Wow, you had to answer a Captcha just to say you don't like me. That's...your right. And sad. I was going to say sad first.)

WHEE PEOPLE BEING DICKS, TRA LA LA. note to self: this is what happens when you use LJ's search. So...remind me to not do that.

*I actually refer to myself as the Leading Mormon Vampire Expert; let's get our facts straight.

I am very much looking forward to the weekend when the Mr. is home. also, BBQ and pool shenanigans are on tap for the weekend with friends and such, and that is mighty fine to me.

This week's Glee rewatch/recap is up, it's when Quinn is outed as being preggers. Today's cocktail is DELICIOUS, and I must say that I have a lot of fun coming up with them. It's just like I like my men, nice and fruity and sweet. And icy. And plentiful. (what?)

The kids are at the movies today, which is nice because the house is SILENT. No lie, my son came in at 11:45pm last night to complain about being bored. THEN GO TO SLEEP, OH MY GOD. We're not even to July yet. Wow.

Oh, I wanted to do a poll. So last night I kept having problems with a comm in trying to post a link to Hey, Don't Judge Me, and while it says the comm is moderated, every time I posted it kept popping up immediately (sans moderation.) I was confused and was all >:( at things not working (and feeling like a dope, NGL) and for now am giving up. I have shame issues.

In the course of asking friends what I was doing wrong (answer: NOTHING.) I discovered something very interesting. ( TO THE POLL MOBILE! )

I have a honeydew Popsicle, so I think you know what I chose. OH! And I'm all proud of myself, because I figured out how to make (and upload) a favicon (the picture in your tab, like the blue bird for twitter, etc.) for Hey, Don't Judge Me. PRETTY NEAT-O, I CAN FOLLOW DIRECTIONS, yay me. (Guys, I used to write hard code for the stock market, I am not an idiot, I promise. I just play one on LJ.)

This weekend was when the universe decided I needed to celebrate Chrismahkwanzanukkah. I got a new ISP with 4G, and my service is blazing fast. Just in time for the new (old) fandom wank about Victoria Bitters. I knew about it but as I wasn't actively in HP or LotRPS, I only knew about her/him tangentially. So with my whip-quick internets I've been able to catch up on all the gloriousness that is a crazy person that refuses to accept that they are, indeed, a crazy person.

I think my all time-favorite bit of their story isn't the rebirth as Elijah Wood with the "magically growing penis" (although glorious) the swindling of money (oh the poor deluded people who give internet people money! QUIT DOING THAT) but the involvement with the IRA (because she's now officially a he and Irish?) and the SWORD SCAR ON HIS CHEST from defending a lady's honor. Also, they're 25. Which makes their involvement with the IRA hilarious.

Is it wrong that I'm imagining Brandon Teena getting into an epic sword battle with an agent of Sauron? But Brandon has an Irish brogue? And a poor one at that? And pipe bombs? And a shank of mutton slowly turning on a spit over an open fire and lots of Guiness? Also, we're all really really stoned? LOL.

I just... people are feckin' insane in this world, and anytime I think I might be a little loco I just have to remember that I never married Snape on the astral plane, I've never stalked a celebrity and claimed to have a relationship with said celebrity or have BECOME said celebrity, I've never married a horse (my all-time favorite) and kept a lady mistress in the barn with my horse-wife in the house (no, really, they did that, OH MY GOD) and believed that my pregnant horse was CARRYING MY PONY-BABY, nor have I married the Berlin Wall and cried when my husband was "torn to pieces" (my second most favorite.)

When I was in Vegas I coined a phrase that I think applies here, too. When people seem normal, then it turns out they've stopped their meds and they flip out with mania/depression you have just encountered SURPRISE!Polar, or rather previously unknown bi-polar.

Wow. People, listen to Stoney: STOP GIVING INTERNET PEOPLE MONEY. Do not take anyone at face value. For all you know I'm actually Elijah Wood Orlando Bloom Hermione Granger wait, that last one isn't even a real person. YOU GET MY POINT.

...wait, you know what? Keep it up, because you provide me hours of entertainment. It's Festivus for the rest of us! :D [I think this means I'm not going to get much accomplished today, I'm just too overjoyed with the Surprise!polar and those that love them. This was why I had to take fandom_wank off my reading list, it was too engaging!]

...wait #2, I think my other favorite thing in this whole drama aside from Random!Sword Injury! is the phrase "Rare Lesbian Paladin." That totally earns a +4 bag of awesome, right there.

Here's what's awesome: getting your period a week early. Why is this awesome? Because I'll be using porta-potties for the next three days and camping with strangers. YAY, LIFE! *punches life square in the nuts* Speaking of using porta-potties and duck-walking to them to avoid repeating the Incident of Ninth Grade Horror. Mr. Scotty? Set sarcasm phasers to KILL. ( TMI? Emo 'splosion about up-coming 3-Day event.... )

Good lord, I need a laugh now. Hahaha, Oh Kids in the Hall. Always good for a laugh. I pinch your face! Today's job: hydrate. Oh, Vitamin Water. I love you so. I will nap. I will pack. I will make sure I have an extra tarp (thanks, crevette). I will take a short 5 mile walk to limber up. I will repeatedly punch my womb. And tonight? The Office. And later, a creepy movie with Mr. S when he gets home, "A Tale Of Two Sisters." Eeeeek!

*deeeeeeeeep inhale* Okay. Time for this emo-kid to cheer up. In positive news, this is the last time you'll hear me talk about gearing up for this walk-a-thon, so yay you! :D

Okay, so I open the entertainment section of my local paper and find a picture of my NEIGHBORS, who will be on SHOWTIME next week. Why you ask?

BECAUSE SHE FAKES HER ORGASMS AND HE DOESN'T SATISFY HER, and it's a sexual therapy program and DEAR LORD why do I not get SHOWTIME???

Ahahahahahaha!!! And OH. MY. GOD.

Background: they're young, wealthy, he bought her boobs for like... a first anniversary present. And I'm not joking. She gets SHIT-FACED all the time (we have lots of social gatherings here on weekends - dinner parties, and the like - think Connecticut in the 70s sans wife-swapping and tweed jackets) and hangs on him (and others) like a cheap suit, he fondles her boobs and says how hot she is. NICE. Nice and classy.

Here's the newspaper blurb: " ____ and ____ are Christians who had premarital sex, then went back to abstaining. Now she fakes enjoyment. "That's the wrong thing to do, I've learned," (she) says in the August 11th episode. She confesses being turned off that he doesn't want to make a production about this."

I would like to remind everyone that while I am not vanilla, Republican, Christian, or repressed in the slightest, the VAST majority of suburban housewives here ARE. So this is slaying me. YOU DON'T ADMIT PUBLICLY THAT YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T GET YOU OFF. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Where I can find the episode on torrents and burn it onto disc and possibly invite the other neighbor ladies over to watch. While we drink margaritas. DOOOOOOOD!!!

OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN AND ALL THE FISH AT SEA NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

My dad asked me to send him the Pirates of the Caribbean fic I wrote - the swashbuckling gen fic - and I ATTACHED THE HARD CORE NC-17 PRISON SEX FIC ON ACCIDENT AND EMAILED IT OH MY GOD MY DAAAAAAAAAAADD!!!!!!!!

And he's on his way to CHURCH. Mormon Church. Riiiiiiiiight after he reads what his Little Girl wrote.

He's

He got

OH JESUS STRIKE ME DEAD BEFORE HE CALLS ME UP!!! I can still remember his shame the first time he heard me swear!!

To Those Whom It May Concern: I am going to die of embarassment. I leave all my personal effects to my husband, and all of my porn to the community at large. Change my friggin' name to protect the innocent, please. And for god's sake, do NOT PUT AUTHOR OF WEE!SPIKE on my tombstone!! *plays Taps*




[ETA]: Haha!! HE COULDN'T OPEN THE ATTACHMENT!!! oh my god I have used up all my good karma, haven't I?? OH HOLY EARTH AND SKY THANK YOU.