Karma Laundrette

I'm so hungry I almost ate black bean dip with my hands. I'll be ladylike and use chips, like the good Lord intended.

I had a physical this morning, so I had to fast before hand. I also wanted to be healthy and still get in a workout (I'm weird and if I don't get certain things done by their appointed time, will typically not do them. Mostly because I have eleventy-million other things to do that day.) so I rode my bike to the doctor's. Blood work, etc., wrapped it up and crossed the street to the eye doctors, picked up my contacts, rode home (facing 35 mph wind gusts, ugh) then re-watched last night's EPIC GAME OF THRONES episode.

Did y'all know Jane Espenson wrote it? So it was awesome, is what I'm getting at. The recap is up and it's filled with Brad Pitt at the end of Se7en jokes (What's in the pooooooooooot?") and Celine Dion lyrics. As you'd expect for a high fantasy show, am I right?!

Tonight is the Real Housewives of New Jersey!! OMG, this new season is going to be a DELIGHT. The whole Danielle/Creeptasticness stuff is gone, we have just good old fashioned cat fights and hair pulling now. YAY!

I have a motherhood/parenting post I want to write up - we had a major coming of age situation in the house, but it will have to wait until tomorrow. See: black bean dip with hands. MUST OM NOM!

I battled my kitchen plumbing today. I had yet another sitcom-come-to-life situation where everything in the sink/dishwasher exploded out. I might have to replace carpeting, it was so bad. BUT! I worked a monkey wrench like a mother trucker, took everything apart from the disposal to the gas vent, cleaned out the clog, didn't kill my son, and got everything put back together. It just took, oh, three hours. And used every single towel in the house. (The boy mopped the floors, sterilized the cabinetry, and is doing the laundry. As it should be.)

Meanwhile, I was trying to get posts up at Hey, Don't Judge Me, so Jersey Shore was seriously late (last weeks was, too, and it was HILARIOUS with an awesome South Park reference that no one has gotten, and I'm sad.) but Last Jersday's is up now! And there are Moby Dick jokes! And Harry Potter references! And STD PSAs! What's not to love?

Comment, discuss, link away - Imma get me something to eat, I'm finally not grossed out anymore about dirty water everywhere. ...soup is probably not a good idea, huh? *hoark*

Hey-o, got last night's Jersey Shore recap up already, and I swear to Martha, MTV, if you don't bring back the funtime shenanigans and drunken orgies, Imma get medieval on your ass.

I've got a good friend that's posting about Being Human - the BBC version, not the crappy US version (or so I'm told.)

ION, I had a bottle of wine the other day that was super delicious (so I went out and bought several) Tangley Oaks, Napa Valley, Cabernet 2006, Lot #9. They have a few varieties, so I wanted to be specific. Another bottle that was also so delicious I went out and bought several more was Charles Krug, 2008 Cabernet from Napa as well.

Muy delicioso, very berry-forward, slight oak, not overly earthy (which I'm finding that I do not like. When it starts to taste like there's dirt in it, DNW.)

OK, Pho tonight and filming tomorrow, YAY. Have a good weekend, errbody.

What others are saying about my recaps:

handsomespeck: I almost straight up murdered fifty-nine people in a Wal-Mart last night before I read your recaps. You've given me the strength to carry on for another day! I might even get a puppy.

ethrosdemon: Are these people real? *falls down* Is Tom Hardy on the show? I have goats.

dovil: I don't watch this show, and now I don't have to! Reading your words is like kittens gamboling with machine guns that shoot out cupcakes of delight. Also, I'm drunk.

oatmellow: I may be a published author, but even I know that nothing compares to this retelling of the Jersey Shore. Stoney is a modern-day Shakespeare, if Shakespeare cussed more and had sweet cans.

elizardbits: RAWR SHOUTY EMOTION WORDS PEOPLE SUCK SLIP ON ICE I LIVE IN NYC AND HATE THOSE PEOPLE YOU ARE ACCURATE WITH THESE RECAPS I GUESS. Also, red velvet cake + TOM HARDY PEEN = \o/ (Happy now, Liz?)

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, GET TO CLICKING, I MEAN WHAT MORE EVIDENCE DO YOU NEED. (Start at the beginning, here, all are linked chronologically at the end.)

Pfft, you're snowed in, it's not like you have anything else to do. ;)

( Pruno, Sandy Boobs, and Faux Ronnie - just another night at the Shore )

Next ep is tonight!

Season 3, episode 2: Where the Skeets Have No Shame. (Did you miss the season premiere's recap? It's right here.)

( Rahnnie, I wanna towk to yous. Don't ax me nuthin, it's my turn ta towk. )

Drunken Snooki on the beach coming up in the next episode!

(Next episode's recap is here.)

I just wrote the meanest (and funniest) line I've ever written. Yes, I'm finally writing up my review of Jersey Shore. I'll hopefully have two tomorrow. GOLD. COMEDY GOLD. (In my head.)

Look, I don't like Sammi Sweetheart, is what I'm saying. [But I love the show.] I need to take all the words off this icon and just make it a fist pump.

Also, I get super irritated by people being pedants on LJ. You don't need to make people get their words just right, this ain't school. I typically don't like pedantic behavior, in the first place. We don't need to focus on the meaning of the word "it" you know? LOOSEN UP.

Now I'm singing "Pedant, pedant, pedantpedantpedant!" to the Pink Panther theme song. That's how my brain works. The kids are off tomorrow, so it's late night wine and TV for me, yay!

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES. JERSEY SHORE. Oh yeah, Community, etc. etc. In conclusion, glug glug.

(Thanks entrenous88 for the baby otter!! <3)

Portabello mushrooms + cotija cheese + caramelized onions x blue corn tortillas = the best enchiladas ever. Mole sauce! Sesames! Holy crap. I love you, Cantina Laredo and you, delicious blackberry mojitos. Not to mention I was with a great friend where we talked about fandom and food and loved ones. LIFE IS MIGHTY FINE.

The Mr. comes back today from his weekly trip and we are cutting down ugly trees and shrubbery (bring me... a shrubbery!) to make way for A BACK HO OF POOL BRINGING. Woo to the mother trucking hoo. Back hos = they're not just hookers on the down lo, who knew?

Last, because it's glorious FRIDAY!!! *confettis* I have a poll of Utmoast Importan-say: Should I continue writing (read: mocking) about The Real World: Oompah Loompah Land, also known by its working title, The Jersey Shore? Because those were some good times we shared, you guys. We laughed, we felt new things, and I think we grew a little. In our pants, am I right?! Just me? I wish "The Situation" wasn't so played out, because that was my favorite LJ name, barring the awesomeness (that no one noticed) of "This is the skin of an LJ-er." Well, and my Spongebob shoutout that only dancetomato got. LOL. love me!

Wow, I've had some caffeine today. TO THE POLL MACHINE!
[Poll #1599347]

(I need to rework that icon so it's just fist pumping, no text. WHY IS THAT EVEN A THING? Fist pumping? Lol.)

I got a surprise commercial shoot today (whee!) which means that I'm about to leave and won't be back until lunch-ish. Which means that my planned podcast of the Jersey Shore won't happen until after lunch. Which means, okay, I'll stop that. Does anyone even care about my thoughts on yaoi? douchebaggery? This was the episode when Snickles got popped in the nose, if that helps you any. (That was actually pretty intense and horrible, poor little orange oompah loompah!) So I'll leave it up to a poll if I should spend the time making a podcast, or if it's just my Nana listening to it fifteen times.

(And I like making them, it's good voice over practice. But hey, if they're irritating, that's good to know. I'll just sit over here like a dog in the dark eating wet cigarette butts, I hope you know. What, you're too good ta listen to someone talk? Mr. Big Shot podiatrist too busy to call ya mother? I was in labor for nine months, yes, the whole time I carried you, I was in labor, but did I complain once? My feet looked like Challah bread... [/Linda Richman] Lol.

[ETA] Suck it, haters, it's up. ;)

[Poll #1500589]

A'right a'ready, I gots ta get ready to be a hot nurse. The call didn't ask for a hot nurse, but I can read between the lines. (Lol. Way to fast track yourself to getting dumped by your agent!) (Oh, and I spent SEVEN hours cutting out felt birds yesterday. I scheduled a massage for tomorrow morning. Hunched over a counter for hours? I feel like I'm a semi-colon. *kee-rack*

Some might call me an attention whore, I call it practice for my day job (acting/voice over work.) Now. A reminder that I'm Texan, and I know chavs through the beauty that is Vicky Pollard, etc. Not a lot of them in the prairie. Any mistakes with pronunciation are yours. I mean, mine.

It's Twilite, Innit? just under 4MB, mp3. And here is where you can read along, minus the "chime will sound when it's time to turn the page" noises, woe. (And side note, because I have issues, I did a run through, then recorded this, then felt that I was spending way too much time on an internet post, lol.)

In other news, I'm trying to coin phrases for all of the cast of Jersey Shore for tomorrow's podcast because I have a sickness. I can't wait for the douchescrotetards™ to be on my TV screen. I mean no disrespect, I respect them all very much, having said that, they're friggin' retahded. No disrespect. I also found a picture of a dude that looks like someone tried to make David Boreanaz out of chocolate cake then somehow, through the evils of science and technology, brought his creation to life.

( WITNESS!! )

That is too much tan, sir. That has moved into Ban de Soulpatch. (For the San Tropez douche.)

I would like to talk to someone, anyone, about my newest obsession. I am a college-educated woman who strives for intelligence (mostly) and likes feeling like I'm a fairly smart person. I can still solve derivatives, figure out probabilities (on the craps table - always put money on 4 and 10, they're the next most common after 7. 5 and 9 are next, then 6 and 8. 2 and 12 are the hardest to get), and I've still never forgotten the inherent differences of meiosis vs. mitosis and can diagram the multi-step process.

However.

I have a new television show that I simply MUST watch, even though I know that brain cells are being killed off by the hundreds with every passing minute. Of course, I'm talking about the new reality show, "Jersey Shore."

( We's pumpin' our fists like CHAMPS! House music, girls, it's the Jersey Shore! (aka Sho-ah) Warning: abuse of local color under the cut. )

If there's anything I've learned about myself from this show, it's that I don't use nearly enough chapstick. I also just deleted a whole paragraph about last night's Hoarders ep, so you're welcome. *shudder*

I'm diving back into the world of the memoir now. I feel like I need to add the story of the crazy polygamist man, who had been kicked out of the community, who courted me at my job as a fry cook at a bowling alley. By writing me epic poems about my grilled ham and cheese. I wish I was making that up. And that I could remember the 5 minute long poem...

(Also: it seems I'm not getting comment notifications, so I'm not ignoring you. Well, I'm ignoring YOU, you know who you are, but not YOU.)

[ETA] It seems I'm being credited with creating the term Sparkle Peen on UrbanDictionary. Uh... did I? LOL. I'm so internet famous, you guyz. Ahahahaha. My father will be so proud.