1. I've added some new peeps to LJ (and removed a few dead journals) so Hello! if so. Or Farewell! if so. :( Dead journals make me sad. People who chat and talk and are intelligent are my favorite, though, so keep that in mind, lurkers!

2. In playing Skyrim again, I killed a bandit in a fort, and when she fell dead her skirt flew up, her legs splayed akimbo. And I did a double take. I... what am I looking at here?!?

NSFW videogame screen shot )

3. Dr. Who's Season 2 rewatch continued this week on Hey, Don't Judge Me, as well as there being new Breaking Bad and True Blood recaps, so do those fabulous writers a favor and show them some love, if you'd be so kind. :)

4. Teen Wolf is coming soon! Hoarders is not - that has been pushed back to October.

5. I had the WORST dining experience last night - to the point where it's laughable. I think my waitress actually dug my food out of the trash can and brought it back to me. I'm not making this up. (Um, I did not eat that.) I am making up for it by opening a bottle of 2006 Silver Oak and NOT eating food from the trash. Like a boss. Or like a Costanza.
Warning: this addresses all of the Daniel Tosh/Rape Joke stuff, but Ever Mainard is so damn funny. (more great examples of how you can make it funny are here.) Runner up: Sarah Silverman. "I was raped by a doctor, which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl."

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I'm a big believer in laughter as power. And that a talented person can make ANYTHING funny. <3 Have a great weekend, guys.
oh my god, I love everything about this person. WATCH EVERY ONE OF THESE VIDEOS. Safe for work, hilarious, oh my god.

I want to be this person when I grow up. Wait, I kinda am. WHATEVER YOU WANT A LAUGH, YOU KNOW IT.

faves: panties, penis, meme, coccyx, darkness, cthulhu, onomatopoeia, Justin Beiber.
This is uh-may-zing. Harry Potter mash-up with "Hello!" from The Book of Mormon the Musical.

JUST MADE MY DAY. I love that Hermione "cut" her hair short, too. LOL. (Snape FTW!) [ETA] Equus!! How to Succeed! A Very Potter Musical! OH MY GOD, WATCH OVER AND OVER.
Those who are being assigned a weekend project are those of you who are NOT watching both South Park and Parks & Recreation. You have to remedy this IMMEDIATELY.

1. South Park spoofed the Royal Wedding with the Canadian Royal Family (lol) and every time the commentator said, "as is tradition" I died a little from laughing. Duke of Calgary! Meet at "the tree" in Edmonton! "She's wiping off the butterscotch from his sleeves, as is tradition" and the return of Scott, the Canadian Dick.

2. If you didn't laugh while reading that, I am breaking up with you.

3. EVERYTHING ABOUT PARKS AND REC. Everything. Little hats! Snakejuice! Role playing! Rob Lowe with a pimple sized bladder! LESLIE KNOPP and her friendships and loves! LANDMINES. I love everything about that show. I may have squealed at a scene, I JUST MAY HAVE. Also, I got butterflies and felt silly and yet I do not apologize for having those feelings. I DO NOT.

OK, I'm off to film a commercial today, I just want you all to know that friendship with me now has conditions, and those conditions are loving these two shows. THOSE ARE MY RULES. (I'll catch up on correspondence over the weekend, I'm behind, I know.)
This is the mocking of Sookie letter I wrote for [livejournal.com profile] ethrosdemon with some additions. Just a little laugh for you. (unless you're a weirdo and think Sookie is wonderful. Then you'll be mad at me.)

Spoilers for the books up through... 6? 7? Relationship spoilers, mostly.

Ah noe, BEEL, ah noe. You all thank I'm delicious er sumthin. )
By which I mean me, by which I mean my sister, by which I mean her husband. Come on, you want to help funny people make it in Hollywood, right? Sure you do!

Just watch this short film (I linked last week, but now they're in the Big Leagues) and vote FUNNY.

And you know why you'll do it? Because it's hilarious. That's why. Also? Because you're good inside and those pants make your ass look fantastic. *beams*
I don't know if I'm crossing the streams here [Ray EGON says that would be bad] but if you've not seen that Diana Gabaldon is all hemhem "Stop writing fanfic about my characters [Outlander series] because that's like writing porn about my daughter and mailing it to me." Also, this literati uses the word "barf." Just like Cormac McCarthy. [Wank report link.]

OK, WHAT. 1) No, it isn't. 2) WTF? 3) Who is mailing you porny fanfic? Ok, there probably is someone doing that, and making Jamie into a unicorms and Claire into a red dragon [DO YOU SEE?] and they have dragoncorm humpings and then Jamie has a baby from his special magical womb, BUT DON'T SEND THAT TO THE CREATOR, DUMMY. You ask them to autograph that picture at book signings, am I right? Lol. No, please don't do that, weirdo.

But my FAVORITE part of all of this wank is how it's the PORN/SEX/HUMPINGS that is bothering her. Because for those of us that have read the books (I stopped at 5, gah, TOO MUCH PLANT TALK. FOR ME. What does that tell you?) every day is Hump Day! Good hell. They have sex every few pages! And then she has some SERIOUSLY purple prose with back hair glistening with dew like a wet autumn sunrise, and how many ways can you describe red hair, woman? "Like a box of crayons, the back level of the 64 pack, spilled across the floor, that was the range of reds to burnt umbers of Jamie's man pelt." LOL.

Also, her books are totally rapetastic, in that everyone gets rapes like they're passing them out at a car dealership, she suffers from Anne Rice-dom in that she needs to cut her words in HALF [huge books. HUGE.] and it reads like a 200+ chapter fanfic. I MEAN, WHAT. Are her characters interesting? Yes. Plus she has messy/doesn't work right all the time sex in her stories which is a big plus for me (it's real, I like real) but she also wants you to know that She Did Her Research. And it's lots and lots of data about plant life and how to make your own penicillin, and homeopathic this and that, and a reminder of such and such events, all with a thiiiiin plot stringing the data together.

I summed up the books to Kassie in her journal last night, and thought I'd reprint them here to spare her inbox. WHO WANTS SOME DISTILLED CRACK?

A time traveling nurse meets a red headed Scotsman, in case you Dinna Ken gaelic gaelic random understandings of paganism plant names historical insert blah )

Just, if you are so invested in stories you write that you compare fanfic to someone telling you they want to rape your real daughter or seduce your actual living husband, YOU HAVE EXPOSED YOURSELF FOR A MARY SUE. HEMHEM (Um, her husband? Tall red head. Same with her daughter. I'm just saying.) Also, you're a bit of a crackpot, Diana. She's been around the internet since the Compuserve days, too, so this CANNOT be new to her. Roll your eyes and keep writing like Charlaine Harris does, lady. SPEAKING OF: TODAY THERE IS MOAR ERIC. Shut it, I can't help that I imagine Askars when I read her books. It's like Charlaiine is writing fanfiction of True Blood, LOL x A MILLION.

Welcome to the world of a genre fic writer, lady. It's a COMPLIMENT. They aren't making money (or they shouldn't be, I'll agree with you on that. Adopt Jim Butcher's philosophy.) Or read this and realize how Dee You Em your allegations are.

LASTLY: I am making more tamales today and tomorrow because all the ones I made on New Years done got et. OM NOM NOM.

[ETA] Someone in West Texas needs some help/info, if you can, please do!
I love the south. Love it. But I love these clips from Shirley Q Liquor even more. (Campy drag queen doing the best Delta stereotypical voice there is.) Lawd, I've been wiping tears all morning.

Axe ya mama bout her tomatoes. W-A-L-M-A-R-K. There's a walkmarks near err-body. "I got 19 chirrins." "How old are they?" "Oh, lord! Well, I think they all under eleven." The one about being a church slave had me pounding my fist, laughing my butt off. She's talking about a hat she made out of wood and stick on "diamonds" and that Jesus would love it. "I werr dat fer his gler." (Glory.) TEARS. Tears running down my face. Ahahahahaha.

I think I may need to go as her for Halloween this year. I think this needs t happen. Except, in tradition of American women, I'll go as a slutty version of her. LOL. My sister last year went as a slutty slut, and her fiance went as a slutty cat. No, really. I love my family.

I'm a little out of it this morning, what? YES it's not PC. YES it's possibly offensive to someone. Let me root around in my purse for some care... Laugh or do not laugh, there is no try. WHEEEE MONDAY!

(Oh, and I'm wrapping up Perfume, The Story of A Murderer and it's FABULOUS. If you're looking for a fantastic story that sucks you in with wonderful writing and characters, that's the one. Whomever translated it from the original German to English did an outstanding job. Big thumbs up.)
One, this recipe is maybe the most perfect thing ever.

2 parts tequila (silver, please. BLANCO TEQUILA ES MUY BIEN!)
1 part lemoncello (I <3 U, Southern Italians. Gratzi.)
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1 tsp simple syrup (or agave nectar if you can get it - it's kinda good for you, says vegans and helath-type folks)
club soda.

Shake first four, ice in glass, pour over top, top with club soda. (If you can get Tampico club soda, there's nothing better.)


Two: this picture has been cracking me up every time I think of it. (Under the cut to spare those of you with dial up.)


I've got fresh ears of corn that are going to get cut off the cob, lightly salted and peppered, and eaten raw. That's how good and sweet these ears are. OM NOM NOM. hello summer, with your delicious treats to soothe me when it's triple digits outside... (Think 38 - 40 C folks in UK, etc.)
I don't watch Real Housewives of Tackyville, USA, but I'm familiah. (I'm gonna use Jersey speak, a'ight?) So what I'm trying to say, no offense, is that these people are hoo-ahs with theyah towk about bubbies and cashmoney [counts: one one hundred, two one hundred, three one hundred...] "Cashmoney" as one word is officially my most favorite thing evah, whah, you got sumthin bettah?

Okay, I'll stop that. THIS has made me laugh endlessly. Esp. that they are referring to one of the women on the show as Strega Nona. I may have laid my head down, laughing.

...I'm going to have to start watching this show for the material, aren't I? They ARE fake names in the article, right? They've not named their kids Britannica and Caruso and Garbanzo? LOL.

In unrelated news, it looks as though my car is being used for the Mr.'s vacation with the kids, so I'll be having a stay-cation as his vehicle is a monster truck, and I can't stand driving it for anything. Oh well, home is where the booze is. <-- I may need to cross stitch a sampler with that saying, it's so sweet.
okay, so earlier I mentioned that I had an audition today. I get there, do my bit, and they ask me if I can now translate it into Spanish.

"Um, no? I cannot translate legalese, I'm so sorry."
"Can you just say a little something in Spanish then, so we can hear you?"
"Sure... Quien es mas macho, Ricardo Montalban o Erik Estrada? Para vente puntos, este pregunta: Quien es macho?"

They crack up (which is good) and I bend over to pick up my things from the floor. The cameraman hollers out, "You were in Blood on the Highway!" AHAHAHA. I'm happy you recognized me from my ass. One of the girls is cracking up and explains to the other ladies that I played the "whore" in the movie. I would like to state for the record that my ass is currently 4 sizes smaller than in the movie, I thank you. Also, that's pretty funny.

I had an attitude of "Eff it" today instead of working myself up with nerves. Watch me get this one. *eye roll* Oh, and because it was an industrial, I had two improvs that prepared, just in case:

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Industrials as 'Sexual Harassment: When the rug doesn't match the drapes' and 'I've Set My Apartment On Fire, Now What? A five step 'Get Rich Quick' program!' "

;) It's continuing to be a great Monday.
I love the lengths people go to in order to avoid saying the names of body parts. Like these! Whoa, Nelly, that's some mighty fine Bad!Fic, ma'am! )
Oh, South Park. I love you. (I need to watch last night's ep again to try and figure out all the other imaginary cartoon creatures shown. I did see H.R. Puffinstuff at one point, which had me LOLing.

[ETA!] [livejournal.com profile] southernbangel is hosting a Love Meme where you can talk about people, things, your cat, delicious margaritas, whatever. Go, share some love and a smile. [/end PSA]

I also watched Hostel last night, and I know it came out a few years ago, but I'm always behind on movies. And while I found it a satisfying gore-fest, I did laugh at a few things. And then I spent all day writing this. Um... because I don't want to clean the house, what of it? Shamelessly stolen format, but you don't care about that, right? Right.

HOSTEL, in 15 Minutes. (AKA: Pinocchio Gone Horribly, Horribly Wrong) )
I was lucky enough to entertain the fabulous [livejournal.com profile] marenfic and [livejournal.com profile] southernbangel for the weekend, where we ate just about everything in this town that wasn't nailed down. In case they fail to mention it, we were at the Texas State Fair this weekend where Lee threw up because she's a big ol' baby we ate a FRIED LATTE. Before you make noises of derision/disgust, it may be the best thing I've ever had in my mouth. (Side note, my fave hillbilly joke. Hillbilly girl #1 says, "My mama lost my birth certificate so we don't know if I'm 11 or 14." Hillbilly girl #2 asks, "Well, what's the best thing you've ever had in your mouth?" 1 says, "Hmmm, that'd have to be mama's gooseberry pie." 2: "You're 11.")

Fried Latte: cinnamon puff pastry flash fried. Scoop of cappuccino ice cream. Whipped cream. Instant coffee granules sprinkled on top. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I took a picture of the woman that made it, because she is an American Hero. Haha. We also witnessed a totally hot chick getting a CARNIES' DIGITS. A carny, people. She was way hot, too. Huh. Some girls like to slum it, I suppose. In conclusion: I loved having them here, and it was excellent timing. Nothing like a weekend with two awesome, funny, SMART women who are up for anything. \o/

Now, I would like to share some bad!fic. People, it's been too long. Too long. Speaking of long, is that a hosepipe in your pants, or are you just deformed? )

THIS WAS WHERE I HAD TO STOP. Um, to take a breather from laughing. But there's more. So much more... Please see this space for further bad!fic posts... I'm off to exercise and work off the fried lattes...
Meme ganked from [livejournal.com profile] liz_marcs: My Top 5 TV OTPs! *ignores the oxymoronishness*

All I Needed To Know I Learned From Television )
First, I'm late on my training walk today because it was 36 degrees this morning! What the hell, Canada? Thanks for back-bacon and Tim Hortons, but no thanks on the chilly wind. I'm waiting for a respectable 50ish temp before hitting the outdoors. Today is a 16 miler, so I'll be scarce this mid-day. Exciting news: I've only got $129 left to raise to reach my goal by this Friday morning! If you've been putting off making a donation, act now! 100% of the money I raise goes directly into affecting a person's life! Either by paying direct medical expenses (75%) or research to come up with better treatments (25%).

In other news, I've devised a mathematical formula using physics (both quantum and other) to prove that S/A makes the world go 'round. For [livejournal.com profile] dovil, based on a conversation in her journal. *pushes glasses up nose* )

Happy Monday, everyone!
Courtesy of McSweeny's
Stories would have turned out differently if the protagonists had cell phones. (I like Romeo and Juliet, especially.)
Patriotic Songs Reworked for a Modern Age. Ahahaha. Ha.

Classic Sesame Street Clips!
Cookie Monster as Casey McPhee! (Through through through! He got the train through! This used to STRESS ME OUT as a kid.)
Oh Golly Gee. There's a bird on me.
We all sing with the same voice! The same song, the same voice!
Billy Jo Jive and Smart Susy Sunset. Heeeee! Now I'm singing "Roosevelt Franklin is my name." That is a funkAY bassline, yo.
The most psychedlic cartoon ever EVER on Sesame Street, holy sheet. *hits the bong, good LORD*

An orange as Carmen!

and NOW I'm feeling so much better today! *beams at everyone*
Probably only of interest to [livejournal.com profile] brandil and [livejournal.com profile] thebratqueen... So, I get a package today in the mail: my Caitlin books! They're used, so the first one has someone who practiced spelling "Caitlin Murphy" over and over on the inside flap. I can just see the 13 year old dreamily imagining that as the most perfect name ever. Heee!! "Cordelia with the alabaster brow..."

I continue to CUT, omg, dun keel mee - Book excerpt! )
Time for what? For more bad!fic. Right? Sure it is.

Standard Disclaimer: this is NOT to insult certain authors. There is no name calling here. This is about the joy of finding over-the-top prose, woeful grammatical errors, terrible euphemisms. Wanna read more? Just click the tag for the other posts.

WOW have you taken liberties with the English language!! )

OH! Yesterday was the fantastic and funny and cool and hip [livejournal.com profile] marlo's birthday, and I was a jerk and forgot. I hope you had a great day, sweetheart!! A thousand apologies!

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