So, it seems I have a fandom now. I have NO IDEA how it happened when the source material makes me crazed. Glee. I'm talking Glee. OK, there are parts of the show I love - anything Brittany, I mean, come on, she's awesome - anything evil Sue, Kurt, obv. and Finn when they make him not talk and he just stands there because that is the type I've had since I was 8, it ain't changing anytime soon.

So. [ profile] flaming_muse posted a fic the other day (I linked yesterday) and I read it. It's Blaine/Kurt. Guys, I've not read fanfiction in... wow, almost 2 years. About as long as since I've written it.

Today I went hunting through the comms, etc., after reading every single thing Flaming Muse wrote (and honey pie, you're writing canon, as far as I'm concerned) and looking for any and all B/K fics. WOW IS THERE SOME CRAP. (She warned me, but... you just have to experience it.) And old timers around here know that I know from bad!fic, am I right?

WORDS I JUST REALLY DONT WANT IN MY STORY WHEN YOU'RE SERIOUS. Are you serious? THAT WAS SERIOUS?!?! Loads of dirty words forthwith )

Jesus. WHERE IS MY WELL WRITTEN SMUT? My PWPs? My agonizing multi-chaptered plotty stories with great sex scenes?! Goddamn kids these days.

And now I want to write Glee fic. SCREW YOU, UNIVERSE. I hate when I have to write my own smut. I'm awesome with the jokes, the smut is eh from me. (Well, I have some things that are pretty bad ass, I must say. BUT STILL.) I need [ profile] kita0610 or [ profile] sweptawaybayou or [ profile] lynnenne or [ profile] savoytruffle or [ profile] crazydiamondsue or [ profile] entrenous88 to write me some good old fashioned Jossverse-awesome pr0n. But about Kurt and Blaine.

I MISS THE OLD DAYS, GANG. I miss the free flowing, well written fanfic of yesteryear, the long long ago. Wah. And my tag is misleading. IT'S NOT EVEN BAD ENOUGH TO MOCK. (Well, there are some, but I have to make dinner now.)

ETA and it's funny how things don't change: mpreg, body switch, magical healing sex, abusive fathers, therapy fics (shudder) and the one thing that shocks me, NO SONGFIC SO FAR. FOR GLEE. I know!
Don't worry, I won't go into specifics. Let's just say that I have (the tense of this verb will change now to HAD) no boundaries. Anything can be made funny. Anything. 2 Girls and 1 Cup? I laughed my butt off (saying EWWWW! while laughing, of course.) Horror movies, gross jokes, That Story About Coffee and ...Draco, etc., total lol cakes. I used to do a series of posts a while back where I found horrid fanfic and MSTK'd them, because that's a good time to me. (click the bad(great!)fic tag if you're curious.)

And then.

And then I clicked on some things this morning. And for the first time IN MY LIFE, I couldn't finish my breakfast. (Yeah. I can EAT while watching/reading that stuff, that's how iron-clad my belleh is.) NOPE. I AM FOREVER RUINED. (This is beyond the stuff I've posted here before. Things I've put in invisio text and WARNED COPIOUSLY ABOUT. If that doesn't tell you, then... Oy.)

Say it with me, folks: there is no bottom to the internet barrel. There is no bottom to the internet barrel. There is no such thing as "well, it can't get worse than this." BECAUSE IT ALWAYS CAN. It's the equivalent to "what's the worse that can happen?" in movies. WELL, THE WORLD WOULD LIKE TO SHOW YOU. VIOLENTLY.

In order to cleanse my SOUL (and I'm kinda not joking about that dramatic term) I am going to bake SOMETHING AWESOME *there, Posh. no more bad associations. :D I've posted the recipe in a separate post - they turned out fantastic.

Also, I get to make a spreadsheet of chores for my children's summertime fun. HAHAHA, SUCKERS! No lazing about for you!

*hums "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do we do, we swim, swim!"* I need cat macros today, gimmie all the cute you got, flist! HELP ME, LJ FLIST, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE.
I had to go back and read the "Harry, rock the fuck out." bad!fic where Harry Potter kicks vampires to mars, who then turn the existing Marsian Cavemen into vampires and receives praise from Dumbledore. (That would be the 'Harry, rock the fuck out' quote.)

And the more I read it, the more I'm convinced that this is an elaborate ruse by Jack Black.

"Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading."

Do you see what I mean??

"As his ocular ducts began to well with ancestral pride, so too did the countless meaty members sprouting from the rape ape's every hairy inch. From his eye sockets, ear holes, even his calloused toes, a penile font of cry-juice birthed a deluge."

CRY-JUICE. Or as less awesome people would call it, "tears." You think the rape ape (rape ape, rape ape err, please tell me you get the Hanna Barberra reference) squirts out something as weak as tears? He shits eye juice from his cock-eyes, (lol) weaklings! Then hops a space copter to Planet Tits and through the force of a diminished E chord, blasts that mofo into oblivion and also into full cans of Copenhagen and Jack Daniels, which then rains down on naked ladies teeming with want and leather.

Dude, this stuff is crack. Huh. Maybe I wrote that stuff while tweaking on mushrooms and listening to Iron Maiden and staring at the Yellow Submarine album cover.

This is how I pass the time while my sister takes her bath and styles her hair. Um, it's a lengthy process for her. :) [And for those curious, things are going very well. \o/]
Look. I'm spammy today. But it's Monday, the weather is weird, I'm avoiding housework, and I was linked to a WONDERFULLY HORRIBLE story. And I loved it so much, I made a podcast with me reading the story as a Ukrainian immigrant. With no offense meant to any Ukrainians, I find you to be lovely people. I just wanted to be a little ridiculous, and believe me, my phony accent is completely ridiculous.

Here! Listen to me read you a bed time story!


Here! Read along with me as we share special times together! FUN TIMES FOR MONDAY. (No swear words, just... the story is Bart and Lisa Simpson making a baby while freezing on a mountain. WHAT.)

I was going to post about why I've been absent, blah blah blah, but I have some GOLD to share. Since this this blog is getting more public, whether I want it to or not (hi there, linked on Cracked? Can you guys hire me, pls?) I think I'll keep writing the focus over here.

WARNING: at the end of the summary portion is some bad-fic writing I've come across, and it is not work safe. HOWEVER! Because I realize that a lot of you aren't into dirty words and laughter (which saddens me to my core, those are my favorite things!) I've got them in Invisio-text, meaning you'll need to hit CTRL + A to read it. Safe as kittens! Older posts (if you hit the tags for this one) are NOT WORK SAFE. I'll eventually go back and tweak the naughty words, or something, but for now know this: I cuss, other people cuss, and the internet is filled with Bad Things that I like to laugh at. :)

In my quest to become published, I'm learning the fine art of writing a query, which ultimately is your hook to get someone to read your story. What you are about to read serves as an example of how to NOT WRITE A SUMMARY/QUERY/HOOK. Every thing is exactly as it was written originally, misspellings, crazy punctuation (or lack of) and awesomely bad ideas. Every good story needs a hook. This is not it. )

Guys, I think we all need to portray our definition of the rain today. I've got white grease paint and a shrinking box, come on! [/Marcel Marceau's]
I don't know why I didn't tap the Twilight Fandom sooner. Holy crap, it's practically nothing but bad!fic. Disclaimer, Standard Issue: Just to be clear, this is about laughing at bad words, how they're put together, and over-done tropes, NOT mocking the actual author, capice?

Who wants to read about a 10 year old becoming a mother? I DO I DO! )

This is what happens when LJ goes offline for a day. Don't blame me, blame the cold weather and my inability to focus on NaNo.
This may be the first time since the clown fetish fic I stumbled on that I've sat gaping, boggling at the decline of mankind. DIRTY WORDS and WEIRDNESS under the cut, head's up! [One work-safe picture, as well, a shirtless, photoshopped man.] LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Wrist feet. Not hooves, wrist feet. )

*rainbow across the screen* The More You Know...

(Off topic: Happy birthday to the lovely and sweet [ profile] timeofchange, and happy belated birthday to the lucious and fantabulous [ profile] fitofpique! I'm sorry I missed it, I hope it was terrific!)
Bad!fic post. You knew one had to come around sooner or later. This is maybe the worst ever. Well, maybe not as bad as that one Harry Potter fic that we will never talk about again. 'Nawsir, that there's a bug cocoon.' There is BUG SEX fic. Now. Now we have seen everything. Other fics sporked after that, btw )

So! Who needs to take a break for a bleach and radiation shower? Me, first!
But first, kookiness. I have three inches of snow on the ground here. Texas. March. I've never never seen snow past mid-February, and I've grown up here. It was 80 degrees on Saturday! But because this is typical for Texas (the fluctuation) this is why I walked past the tomato and basil plants on Saturday - sobbing with want - because not until the 15th is it clear. *plays taps for all the dead plants people foolishly planted this weekend*

And now for something completely different. *plays organ nude*

*holds bridge of nose, eyes closed* Siiiiiigh. )

Off topic: Does the world really need me to write a Spike-Andrew-Angel fic where they play Guitar Hero? I've had one rattling in my head for days. (Is that the most Mary Sue thing ever? Hmm.)
Love, that is. If you didn't know that you could LOVE in a wrong way, that means you've not been reading my bad!fic posts. On this forced and commercialized day of "romance" (thanks for the 120% markup on flowers, world!) let's at least revel in the thought that we do not paint our faces like clowns and do it in the woods. And if you do, I don't want to hear about it.

'Shot through the heart! And you're to blame! Darlin' you give love a bad name.' American Idol, Superman, and CLOWNS. Oh, my. )

So folks... if you're not looking forward to today because Hallmark decided to make a buck on this holiday and you're not participating, or heck. If you ARE looking forward to this holiday of love and companionship, you can sleep well with the knowledge that you do not bone clowns. You are Shriner-free. You prefer Bartles & James to Barnum & Bailey. And you will never, ever have to look at yourself in the mirror on a Valentine's Day and see smeared clown makeup, reminding you of the worst mistake of your life.

So there's that working for you. I hope you all have great V Days. This... this is my Valentine to you. *beams*
Not since "Buffy felt the cold duck bill enter her vagina" have I read something that truly made me stop, question my eyesight, my sanity, and/or the sanity of the writer. I'll share it with you under the cut. Also, since the last bad!fic post apparently traumatized everyone, this one promises to be Funnier! With more WTF and the piquant taste of ROFL!

Hey... Champ? Maybe you should sit a few plays out. )

Have a terrific weekend. Avoid plastic wrap and dead rock stars, if at all possible.
(Thank you to everyone who wished the Mister and I a happy anniversary. It was!) Now: What's a better cure for the "it's frickin' freezing out there, Mr. Bigglesworth" blues than some EYE POPPINGLY BAD bad!fic? (And yes, they're just steadily going downhill every time. I can't remember how many times I LMAONAISE'd.

For the newly initiated: no drinks. No bosses. No children. No brains. (You'll thank me later.)

Tony the Tiger in a red Speedo picking up Twinks? I'm fascinated, do go on! )
First, my husband is on a business trip in SoCal, got there last night, and went to the hotel's bar for a nightcap. Evidently it's a cruising bar, and my husband kept texting me all night. I understood straightaway what was "happening" and was amused that he didn't. It started with a good looking guy, Navy (heh) talking "guns" with the Mr. The Mr. happens to be a military nut, so he's excitedly talking with this ex-Sailor about... length of shafts, who the hell knows. Hahaha.

I start getting surreptitious texts after an hour with things like "this guy told me how much $ he makes - I make more. Whys he bragging?" and "he wants me to check out some club." I'm laughing my ass off, then about... ten minutes later I get: "omg hes gay. he likes me. wtf?" I haven't heard back on how he handled it, but knowing him, I'm sure he apologized a LOT to this Sailor and probably let him know that if he was gay, a military man would totes be his type.

It's cute when people are all innocent like that. :D Now, on to the bad!fic!

if you have a hairy clit, wot requires shaving, you may have a glandular problem )

Now if you don't mind, I'm off to never eat lunch again, while wailing like a pair of black tennis shoes.
...the guy working nights to blow rats out of a paper mill with fire hoses, and they keep finding sub-levels of floors where the rats are bigger and nastier? That's about how the world of bad!fic is for me right now. (I don't think I've come across the King Rat, either, which is scary.)

TAPEWORMS ARE NEVER SEXY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! And other holiday songs of good cheer for wassailing )

Oh my goodness, I am EXHAUSTED after all of that. I need to watch Teletubbies or something to get it out of my head. (Oh my god- you know there is Teletubbies fic out there. Dammit, I'm going to have to find it.)

¹ I have since learned that the author may *not* be JH aged, which... wow. They're either in HS or college. AND THEY MEANT THIS STORY. O_O Awesome.
I really shouldn't be posting. Or reading bad!fic. I have laundry to do, a trip to prepare for, a bagel to eat. But the bagel is set aside. I would suggest that if you click the cut-tag, you put aside your food, too.

boob medicine?? )
I love the lengths people go to in order to avoid saying the names of body parts. Like these! Whoa, Nelly, that's some mighty fine Bad!Fic, ma'am! )
(I cannot even wrap my head around the awesomeness of The Office, y'all. I <3 everything about it. EVERYTHING.)

Note: when I read "his/her intentions were clear" in a story, I think a) they're about to rape someone, b) they're going to get their quilting on!, c) someone is about to addendum their 1099s for their Schedule C, bitchez! or d) I assume the next sentence will read: "they were going to possibly intrigue someone with their enigma like quality while standing in the shadows and mumbling."

IT ISN'T CLEAR IF YOU DON'T USE WORDS. You are a writer. Use your words. Otherwise, you're a mime.

(dirty words warning) One quick bad!fic excerpt that is SO LAUGHABLY DUMB. My reasons: let me show you them. )

*deep cleansing breath*

I'm throwing a party tonight and need to get food items, clean the house, buy a cute top so I look sassy, buy ashtrays because they're all smokers, write out my proposed menu so I don't forget something. I'm very much looking forward to hanging out with folks from my movie. \o/ Tomorrow is the Red River Rivalry, so there will be foosball in my future of yayness (or ultimate sorrow - SCREW YOU, OU) And I need to finish making a pattern for these drapes that are kicking my ass. Note to the public: arched windows are a pain in the ass to cover. Especially when the ceiling is arched, as well. Hey pattern makers of the world: it would be SUPER if y'all made drapes for these so I don't screw up with hundreds of dollars worth of fabric, thanks. (Lee? I went a different way with the border, and it looks AWESOME. Pics to come after a few days.)

HAPPY FRIDAY. (And if you want to read more bad!fic on your own, check out my bad!fic tag at Next week? I share the worst of the Bible_slash. WOW. The modern talk on Jesus/Judas!! I ROFLed reading "cock" from Jesus' mouth. Ahahaha. And the girl-hate is built in with Mary Magdalene REALLY being a whore!! Heee.)
I was lucky enough to entertain the fabulous [ profile] marenfic and [ profile] southernbangel for the weekend, where we ate just about everything in this town that wasn't nailed down. In case they fail to mention it, we were at the Texas State Fair this weekend where Lee threw up because she's a big ol' baby we ate a FRIED LATTE. Before you make noises of derision/disgust, it may be the best thing I've ever had in my mouth. (Side note, my fave hillbilly joke. Hillbilly girl #1 says, "My mama lost my birth certificate so we don't know if I'm 11 or 14." Hillbilly girl #2 asks, "Well, what's the best thing you've ever had in your mouth?" 1 says, "Hmmm, that'd have to be mama's gooseberry pie." 2: "You're 11.")

Fried Latte: cinnamon puff pastry flash fried. Scoop of cappuccino ice cream. Whipped cream. Instant coffee granules sprinkled on top. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I took a picture of the woman that made it, because she is an American Hero. Haha. We also witnessed a totally hot chick getting a CARNIES' DIGITS. A carny, people. She was way hot, too. Huh. Some girls like to slum it, I suppose. In conclusion: I loved having them here, and it was excellent timing. Nothing like a weekend with two awesome, funny, SMART women who are up for anything. \o/

Now, I would like to share some bad!fic. People, it's been too long. Too long. Speaking of long, is that a hosepipe in your pants, or are you just deformed? )

THIS WAS WHERE I HAD TO STOP. Um, to take a breather from laughing. But there's more. So much more... Please see this space for further bad!fic posts... I'm off to exercise and work off the fried lattes...
DO not want. Except for how I love this shit. Don't act like you don't, either! Standard Disclaimer Made Every Fifth Post or So: This is not about pointing and laughing at a person. This is about pointing and laughing at what good intentioned people do to the English (or other) language. Words are funny, people. And so are chimpanzees when they walk with their hands high overhead, actually.

Second (new) Standard Disclaimer: Do not reply with "I keep thinking I'm going to find my fic here." Because if you really think you're on par with the following, you should FIX YOUR STORY.

I do the work of finding this crap so you don't have to. It's an important public service I'm happy to provide...

First off, happiest of birthdays to my Susi Q! [ profile] beadattitude is year older, and I hope that your day is lovely, that Jeff takes care of weirdness that crops up with the remodel, that you have delicious sweet tea just like back home, and a nap with the kitties. :)

Second of all, big thanks to those that offered commiseration yesterday. Gah. I spent the day outside in the garden and reading [ profile] entrenous88's latest fic "Safer" which is a MUST READ for those who like dark fic with bad cops and young boys. *bites knuckle* Seriously, Entre is a master at both the hotness and descriptions that put you right there with the characters. Fantastic.

But let's face it, you're here for the bad!fic. I would like to throw out that I found dark fic for the Home Improvement fandom (who knew?) that has had me crying with laughter. Because... TIM TAYLOR. A drunk, abusive, his kids on drugs and cutting themselves while working at hot-topic [sic]. And getting girls pregnant with their second babies (?!?!) at the age of 16. Did I mention the alcoholism and drug abuse? And how during all the emo woe, Wilson is walking around with a pot to obscure the bottom part of his face? Ahahaha! This is in, like, four fics in that fandom. Oh, people. Never stop making me laugh.

It just goes downhill from there )

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